09/30/04’s illustrious band:

Unguinous

Brought to you by A Word A Day, www.wordsmith.org.

Unguinous (UNG-gwi-nuhs) adjective*

Greasy, oily.

[From Latin unguinosus, from unguin-, stem of unguen (ointment). Other words from the same root are ointment, anoint, unction, and unctuous.]

Unguinous. Now there’s a word that rolls right off the tongue. Or slipslideslithers, really. It shoots straight to the top of my list of least favorite words, where it joins moist, slacks, and davenport as words I’ll go out of my way to avoid saying.

*Unguinous is not to be confused with buttery, which is another thing altogether.

The Media Sensation’s top 25 people, places, and things that are unguinous:

1. car parts
   
2. cheap chocolate
   
3. cheap hand lotion
   
4. Cleveland, OH
   
5. diners
   
6. J.R. Ewing -- actually, the series Dallas as a whole
   
7. fish markets
   
8. Flint, MI
   
9. frat boys with kegs
   
10. X-Files bad guy Alex Krycek
    
11. lounge lizards
    
12. mayonaise
    
13. Ming the Merciless
    
14. noseprints on glass
    
15. not snakes, but they sure look like they ought to be
    
16. organic peanut butter
    
17. other people’s dogs
    
18. paper money, if you rub your fingers over it long enough
    
19. politicians
    
20. prop-department wigs
    
21. seats in theaters where the lights never quite come up all the way
    
22. sister-kissin’ hicks
    
23. Ed Sullivan’s hair
    
24. used car salesmen
    
25. the wind blowing in from the paper mill
    

What makes your list of unguinosity?

Today around the world: September 30 is Agriculture Day in Sao Tome and Principe, islands in the Gulf of Guinea, straddling the Equator west of Gabon.

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09/28/04’s illustrious band:

A Cut Above

Brought to you by Stylin’ Ryan and Dapper Daniel.

I confess: I’ve been cheating on Ruben. Ruben and his staff have been cutting my hair in a dusty suburban strip mall for the past four years. They’ve done a fine job, and I’ve been faithful until now. But yesterday I succumbed to peer pressure and had my tresses trimmed at a salon/spa. And I hate to break it to Ruben, but I’ll never go back.

From the complimentary herbal tea and scalp massage to stylist Ryan’s sleek black duds and wry sense of humor, the s/s beats the strip mall, manicured hands down. Rather than a cluttered counter, the client’s chair -- throne! -- faces a full-length mirror framed to make her look like a work of art. Add to that the fact that Ryan snips for a lower “new talent” rate than a more experienced stylist, and the package can’t be beat. The only way it could get any better is if I could get a full-body massage on the spot.

And I can! Across the hall from Ryan and his cronies, I met up with Daniel, an ethereally lovely boy also dressed in black, for a chair massage. Despite his floaty quality, Daniel apparently has bionic hands. Fifteen minutes was not enough; I booked a longer session with him next week. (I passed on the facial, the manicure, the pedicure, and the makeup lesson, though.)

Of course, I realize that the love can’t last. I can’t afford to see Daniel every week, and when Ryan moves up the ranks, his low rates will become a bittersweet memory. I’ll go back more often for maintenance trims, and I’ll probably let him talk me into buying products with names like Peppermint Butter Guava Equilibrium. The costs will weigh upon my soul, and I’ll pine for sweatshirted Ruben and his perm-smell-saturated cave between the leather cleaning and check cashing stores.

And then I’ll get another cup of tea, another scalp massage, and I’ll fall back in love all over again. This is the real thing. I can tell.

Today around the world: September 28 is Lunar Cake Day in Macau, a Special Administrative Region of China. I am, of course, strongly in favor of any holiday with “cake” in its name.

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09/27/04’s illustrious band:

The Bridges of Hennepin County

Brought to you by my faithful two-wheeled steed.

Yesterday after buying groceries, I turned left instead of right as I left the parking lot. It was another buttery fall day, my battery was wound, and I wanted to drive for a bit with the music up and the windows down. As I passed a high school football field upon which a flock of migrating Canada geese had assembled as if awaiting the kickoff, a profound thought struck me: I have a bike. Why aren’t I on it? So I beat a hasty retreat to the Acres and saddled up.

This was my second bike ride of the summer. Why only the second? I have no good excuse. I’ve been complaining for months that I haven’t been out riding, yet I keep spending my Sunday afternoons in the hammock, buried by books and cats. But yesterday I managed to do both. It was a perfect combination.

After a quick stop to air up the tires, I headed west on 90th St. The terrain was pretty flat until I crossed the freeway, but then I encountered hills. One particular monster almost got the better of me, but I kept chanting Lance Armstrong to myself until I wobbled to the top. No amount of T’ai Chi ever prepares me for pedaling up long, steep inclines.

I coasted until I reached the end of the road (which had magically become 94th St. sometime when I wasn’t looking). As I scanned north and south, trying to decide which way to go next, my eyes snagged on a discreet gap in the hedge. I rode through it, up and over a little wooden footbridge spanning some railroad tracks, and just like that I was back in Maine.

Thirteen years ago, I was a brand new teaching assistant at the University of Maine, exploring the small town of Orono on a hastily purchased bike. Colorful New England trees lined endless winding byways, and the campus boasted several miles of paved trails maintained by the forestry students. I rode through foliage tunnels, crunching maple leaf and pine needle potpourri beneath my tires, inhaling deeply the scents of a foreign land that smelled a little bit like home. I remember being amazed at seeing girls actually wearing short plaid skirts and boys carrying lacrosse sticks -- clear signs I wasn’t in South Dakota any more. It was exactly what backtoschool ought to be.

So when I crossed that little bridge from paved suburbia into evergreens and wildflowers, I knew exactly where I was. I swooped around curves, handlebar streamers aflutter, down past the lake, and up over a rise -- where, as in Maine, the autumnal trail spat me abruptly into the wintry grey parking lot of some light industrial enterprise. So I reversed course and enjoyed it all again (especially breezing down that mammoth hill).

The mental journey down memory lane took a lot longer than my actual bike ride. Although I felt as if I was out for several hours, I made it back home in about 90 minutes, legs tired, mind refreshed. I still had plenty of time for a literary buffet -- which included a tart dish from that rarest of chefs, an art critic with a sense of humor -- and for phone calls to two different time zones. I interrupted Princess Jocelyn at her dinner but got to speak to her mother and both grandmothers instead. Night fell, candles were lit, and I drew the shades on the sweetest of days, past and present.

Today around the world: September 27 is Dominion Day in New Zealand.

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09/22/04’s illustrious band:

Mi Mariachi

Brought to you by the gods of music.

Haven’t you always wanted to front your very own mariachi band? Well, now’s your chance! Click here to get started -- and watch out for flying eyebrows!

Today around the world: September 22 marks two mariachi-worthy occasions: the birthday of Princess Martha Louise in Norway and American Business Women’s Day here at home.

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09/20/04’s illustrious band:

Ten Thirteen

Brought to you by my clock.

Whenever I see the 10:13 on a digital clock, I stop and think of Mother -- excuse me, Grandmother -- Media for a moment. The house number of her home, the house in which I grew up, is 1013, so 10:13 means “blow Mom a kiss.” It’s similar to the way some people stop and offer up a quick remembrance whenever they see 9:11.

10:13 means home in a new way, too, because 10/13 is House Day, the anniversary of the day I moved to Sensational Acres. Coming up on four years next month! Where does the time go?

Geek Moment of the Day: Ten Thirteen is also the name of the production company responsible for The X-Files, one of my favorite TV shows ever. I’m currently watching Season 5 courtesy of Netflix and enjoying every commercial-free minute of it. (Don’t worry that my loyalties have become confused, though; I’ve signed up for some Star Trek, too.)

Of course, 9:13 is now a significant number, too, since my niece Jocelyn was born one week ago today on 9/13. And just in case you were wondering, here’s what she told me on the phone the other night:

• Her nickname is Princess, and she likes to wear pink. Grandma says so. So does Daddy, who has already gotten Her Highness her first Harley Davidson gear. In the correct color, of course.

  
  

• Additional wardrobe: Still mostly too big, but Dad has found a few things in the correct size. The Viking-purple outfit from Auntie is still WAY too big. But ask again in a month or two.
  
• Meal time? Good. Nap time? Great. Bath time? Not so great.
  
• Posing for adorable pictures? Already an old pro. Stop by Auntie’s office if you’d like to see a few.
  
• Riding in the car? Went out visiting over the weekend; details to come.

  
  

• Jocelyn’s Mom, Sister-san? Recovering fast from surgery and adapting to her new role with ease.
  
• Jocelyn’s Dad, Iron Chef Jeff? Already adept at shopping for little pink clothes. Having constructed most of the nursery and assembled numerous other baby accessories himself, he now enjoys rockin’ his daughter. Rockin’, man! Two thumbs up.
  
• Grandmother Media? Headed home to 1013, very reluctantly, tomorrow. But her layover in my metro area means Auntie will get to see more pictures.
  

What better reason to watch the clock?

Today around the world: September 20 is the International Day of Peace, observed each year on the opening day of the regular session of the United Nations General Assembly.

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IT’S A GIRL!!

Jocelyn Marie

At 8:00 a.m. Phoenix time, my sister Lindsay and her husband Jeff became the proud parents of Jocelyn Marie, the World’s Most Marvelous Baby. She weighs 6 lbs., 2 oz., is 18.75 inches long, and has her Mom’s red hair. Strong-minded from the beginning, she declined to be born in the traditional manner and was delivered by Caesarean section instead. Mother and baby are doing fine.

Grandmother Media hits the skies tomorrow to go visit, and Jocelyn’s paternal grandparents will meet her next week. Aunt Media Sensation is passing out chocolate cigars and counting the days until it’s her turn.

No word yet on when photos will be available, but it probably won’t be long.

Click here for the lyrics to You Are the New Day, the perfect song for a perfect new soul. The King’s Singers arrangement is the best; click here for an MP3 sample.

Today around the world: September 13 is my niece’s birthday.

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09/11/04’s illustrious band:

Second Showing

Brought to you by the cinematic pearls of the 1980s.

Here’s part 2 of my list of movie memories from the Me Decade.

• Highlander. It’s a movie about immortal warriors who survive into the present day to wage flashy sword battles as they try to behead each other. Spawned a TV series and more fanfic than you can shake a battleaxe at.
  
• Dangerous Liaisons. We loved this movie because, since it involved French people, we were allowed to watch it in French class in place of our regular lessons for a week or so.
  
• A Fish Called Wanda. John Cleese + Kevin Kline (who won a 1989 Best Supporting Actor award for it) = fabulous!
  
• Real Genius. Ranking ahead of Revenge of the Nerds, RG is my all-time favorite nerd-power movie ever. Val Kilmer, in one of his first starring roles, proves that it’s possible to be both smart and fun. He was a role model for us all.
  
• Ladyhawke. Magic, swords, a love story, and a pretty horsie. What’s not to like?
  
• Coming to America. This one starred Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall back when they were still funny.
  
• Mr. Mom. Remember when the idea of a man caring for his own children was so laughable you could make a blockbuster comedy out of it?
  
• Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Dude! This is like the only movie in which I ever enjoyed Keanu Reeves’s “acting,” dude. And 15 years later, I still say “dude” way too much . . . dude.
  
• Dirty Dancing. Patrick Swayze’s finest hour: lots of shirtless gyrating, which he’s good at, and not a lot of talking, which he ain’t so good at.
  
• The World According to Garp. Mork (Robin Williams) in a serious dramatic role? No way!
  
• Flashdance. While I’ve never actually watched this movie, I did fall victim to some the many fashion trends it spawned, most notably headbands and legwarmers. All I can say now is . . . ugh!
  
• Tron. The first movie/video game crossover!
  
• Johnny Dangerously. Most famous for teaching us such nerf curses as “farging” and “bastige,” much to our parents’ dismay.
  
• Short Circuit. This is the movie our gang went to see the first night one of our number played host to a Japanese foreign exchange student. The poor girl, no doubt jetlagged out of her mind, had been packed halfway across the world and dumped on a sheep ranch in the middle of nowhere, only to be crammed into a car with half a dozen other teenagers and sent to this dumbass flick. What a terrible first impression of America that day must have made. Madoka, we apologize.
  
• Dune. I saw this sci-fi epic -- the David Lynch version, no less -- without having first read the novel. Bad idea. But the book has since become one of my favorites.
  
• A Nightmare on Elm Street. I didn’t see this horror classic until 2003, but it made a huge impression on me nonetheless. Johnny Depp in a half-shirt? I had nightmares for weeks!
  
• Blame it on Rio. The first R-rated movie I ever saw. I was 14 and snuck into it with my 17-year-old boyfriend, the rednecked and pungent Darron. All I remember about the movie is being terrified that I’d be carded and caught and that the theater manager would call my parents. I kind of which that had happened; maybe it would have dissuaded me from dating Darron for as long as I did.
  
• The January Man. A seriously odd, but interesting, murder mystery starring the marvelous (and very tall) Kevin Kline.
  

Today around the world: September 11 is . . . you know.

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09/10/04’s illustrious band:

Movie Review

Brought to you by the cinematic pearls of the 1980s.

Earlier this week, Sister-san and Iron Chef Jeff sent me a promotional offer from Netflix, the online movie rental agency: a one-month free trial membership. The weather is getting cooler, which means I’m growing more inclined to spend leisure time indoors, so I signed up. I expect my first delivery -- commercial-free episodes of my beloved X-Files -- in the next couple days.

Meanwhile, I’ve been browsing Netflix’s extensive database just to see what they’ve got. You can search by movie title, by actors’ names, by genre -- or by decade. Hmm. I gave the 1980s a click yesterday, and it was like taking a tour of my adolescence. Here’s what some of the offerings (in no particular order) reminded me of:

• The Indiana Jones series: the genesis of my continuing crush on Harrison Ford and my weakness for brainy, hatted gents in leather jackets.
  
• The Simpsons Season 1. Whoa, has it really been on that long?
  
• Stand By Me. This adaptation of the Stephen King novella The Body starred several 80s icons: Corey Feldman before he became a laughingstock, Kiefer Sutherland before he became ubiquitous, River Phoenix before he died, and Wil Wheaton before he oozed Velveeta dork grease all over Star Trek: The Next Generation.
  
• The Back to the Future movies. Best sci-fi ever! Or at least some of the most fun. Key ingredients: time travel, a souped-up car, and Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd essentially playing themselves. Loved it. Still do.
  
• Star Trek: The Next Generation. Trek, man! ‘Nuff said.
  
• Amadeus. My high school friends and I watched this Mozart biopic because we figured it was the intellectual thing to do. Turns out the only thing we really dug about Amadeus was the ridiculous Falco song by the same name.
  
• Dead Poets Society. Starring Robin Williams as the English teacher we all wished we’d had, or that all of us nerds wanted to be. Actually, I was fortunate enough to have several English teachers every bit as good as Williams’s Dr. Keating. Thanks, Ham, Pang, Mrs. Bray, and Dr. Wolfe!
  
• Die Hard. Starring Bruce Willis post-Moonlighting. I loved him from that series and still prefer him in comic roles, but his action guys are fun to watch, too.
  
• Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. We all wished we were brash enough to play hooky as boldly as Matthew Broderick did. Living in a town small enough that everyone knew us, and our cars, we could only dream of singing and dancing our way anonymously down the street in a purloined speedster. But dream we did!
  
• The Terminator. More time travel, more action, more Ah-nold.
  
• The Lethal Weapon movies. Who could resist Mel Gibson’s scruffy, wisecracking charm? Extra points to this series for eventually casting Jet Li in its fourth installment.
  
• Airplane! This schtick-heavy disaster movie parody, unfortunately, whet my appetite for clever satire, and I’m still hungry.
  
• Top Gun. All-time favorite “VCR party” fare, along with Mountain Dew, Doritos, and Lisa’s famous taco dip. A VCR party was a new thing in the 80s, a movie fest in someone’s basement that ended in a sleepover for the girls and panty raid threats from the boys.
  
• Ghostbusters. Funny stupid and stupid funny, with just enough of the supernatural in it. Are you the Keymaster?
  
• War Games. Another nerd movie, this one involving a talking computer!
  
• Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Best Trek movie ever!!! Except for that part about Spock dying, of course. But don’t worry, he gets over it.
  
• Beverly Hills Cop. Another party favorite, thanks to Eddie Murphy’s nutty antics and profane vocabulary. We played the theme music in band or jazz band one year. Didn’t everybody?
  

. . . I could go on. And I shall! See tomorrow’s blog for the rest of the list.

Today around the world: September 10 is El Queso Grande’s birthday. Feliz cumpleanos! It’s also Gibraltar National Day in Gibraltar, of all places.

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09/09/04’s illustrious band:

Cement Trampoline

Brought to you by a local bank.

While driving to lunch today, my Soup Group cohorts and I spotted the following on a roadside bank marquee:

Life is a cement trampoline

Now what the heck does THAT mean? Possible interpretations:

• “Life is tough, so give yourself a little cushion.”
  
• “The sign slogan guy got downsized, and today was his last day.”
  
• “It’s a Zen koan, dude. Think about it. If you figure it out, you’ll hear one hand clapping.”
  
• “We’re secretly promoting Bounce fabric softener.”
  
• “No more need to wonder where those 100,000 or so trampoline-related injuries per year come from.”
  
• “Made you look!”
  
• “This is where those ‘retired’ mobsters (the ones with the cement shoes) come to play.”
  
• “You should be thankful. When I was your age, we didn’t even have a trampoline.”
  
• “Clever? Or creepy? You be the judge.”
  
• “You don’t want to bank here until we get our Prozac prescriptions refilled.”
  

Today around the world: September 9 is Jeune Genevois (Geneva Thanksgiving) in Switzerland.

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09/08/04’s illustrious band:

Tech Tonic

Brought to you by my convenience-loving self.

Here are my top 10 favorite technological innovations, in no particular order. (They’d be in reverse order if I could figure out the HTML coding, but I can only get my list to run from 1 to 10. Sorry.)

1. The printing press. I could never have become the bibliophile God clearly meant me to be if someone had not invented a method for reproducing books. Thanks, Mr. Gutenberg!

   
   

2. Electricity. It’s a key ingredient in ice cream, you know. All that cream and sugar and stuff is great, but they ain’t nuthin’ special without the freezy part. And that doesn’t happen without electricity, or at least not for long.

   
   

3. The Internet. I consider the Internet a personal gift to me from the Great Creator. The ‘Net provides the addictive printed word in every format, on every topic, from every part of the world, every minute of every hour of every day. And it even has pictures! Bonus! I can read almost anything I want, communicate with almost anyone I want, buy almost anything I want, and virtually go almost anywhere I want, whenever I want, for a ridiculously small fraction of my income. The only thing the ‘Net cannot replace is actual human contact, which I need a heck of a lot more than I need the ‘Net.

   
   

4. Heated car seats. The Subarushi is my home away from home, and my actual home is in a chilly climate. Heated seats make it slightly less difficult to pry myself out of bed on a cold winter’s day.

   
   

5. The self-scooping cat litter box. Sure, it’s noisy for a few seconds while it’s doing its duty, but the fact that I don’t have to scoop poo myself more than makes up for that. I cannot recommend this product highly enough. It’s so cool, you should get one even if you don’t have a cat.

   
   

6. Coca-Cola. A flawless delivery system for sugar, caffeine, and effervescence. What’s technology for if not to provide us with a few simple pleasures?

   
   

7. Sweetened chocolate. For gazillions of years, human beings flavored food and drink with the cacao bean, and it was OK. But then along came somebody with the bright idea of making it sweet, and a pleasure -- and an addiction -- for the ages was born.

   
   

8. Sunglasses with UV protection. My eyes are a bit sensitive to bright sunlight, so I could never enjoy the great outdoors without my shades. Lens coatings that ward of ultraviolet rays are just icing on the cake. Mmm, icing . . . cake . . .

   
   

9. Fiberglass (and other) insulation. See “Heated car seats.”

   
   

10. The capacity for space travel. As fantastic as this world and its gadgets are, they’re only the beginning. Technology gives us vehicles for the dream of finding out what else is out there.

    
    

Today around the world: September 8 is International Literacy Day. So if you can read this, thank a teacher.

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09/07/04’s illustrious band:

Buttery Day

Brought to you by the end of summer.

When I say it’s a buttery day, you know just what I mean. The temperature hovers around 75 degrees, the humidity around 50%. There’s a slight breeze blowing fluffy clouds across a sky the perfect shade of September blue. The perfume of sizzling burgers and hot dogs drifts from the grill. Your fingers are already a little bit grittygreasy from the chips you’ve been sneaking while the meat cooks; you have to keep wiping your hands so you don’t fumble your beer. Somebody’s three-year-old is chasing the dog in endless circles around the yard. Frank Sinatra croons from the stereo in the window. There’s nothing you really have to do today except soak up the laughter of your friends.

Labor Day is one of my favorite holidays, maybe my favorite of all. The weather is warmer on Labor Day weekend than for any of the winter or early spring holidays, and cooler than the 4th of July. Travel would be easy if you did any, but you don’t have to; everyone sticks pretty close to home. The Labor Day cookout is right up there with the Thanksgiving feast, but you don’t have to get up early to put the turkey in the oven or spend too much time prepping, because all the barbeque guests will be bringing something to share. And forget the fine china; paper plates are the way to go.

There’s no cheesy Labor Day theme music, and the kids aren’t going to get sick on candy or have nightmares about seasonal animated characters. You don’t have to spend a lot of time decorating, just scrape the grill, and hose off the deck and the lawn chairs. There are no gifts to buy, no costumes to construct, no mad dash from one party to another. Labor Day seems to be the only holiday we actually treat like a holiday -- a day of leisure -- and I love it. Can’t wait for the next one.

Know what else I can’t wait for? Aunthood! The countdown has begun. My niece/nephew is expected to arrive in about 10 days. I’m thinking of actually turning on my cell phone -- a rarity! -- so I can get the news as it happens. I’ll keep you posted.

Today around the world: September 1 is National 401(k) Day here in the U.S. I couldn’t make that sort of thing up even if I wanted to. Click here if you don’t believe me.

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09/02/04’s illustrious band:

Bruce Hyde Fan Club

Today’s Geek Moment is brought to you by Trivia Central, a.k.a. my noggin.

Party guest: Hey, what was the name of that guy who played Lt. Riley on the original Star Trek series?

Me: Bruce Hyde.

PG: Yeah. Did you know he's now on staff in the theater department at St. Cloud State University?

Me: No kidding.

PG: Yeah. And this summer he appeared in my theater company's production of Death of a Salesman. And he was really good.

Three levels of geekdom are represented here:

1. Trek geekdom. Not only did both of us remember a minor character who appeared in about three episodes, we also knew the actor's name.
   
2. Minnesota geekdom. Of course I know -- and care -- where St. Cloud State University is.
   
3. Theater geekdom. And of course I know -- and care about -- the has-been/wannabe Trek extras SCSU employs. I also know and care about people who operate tiny money-guzzling theater companies out of the backs of their Honda Civics.
   

Geekdom? You have no idea. Stay tuned next week for Tiberius Rand’s riveting seminar, How to Build a Time Machine.

Today around the world: September 2 is National Day in Vietnam.

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09/01/04’s illustrious band:

Cupid's Error

Brought to you by Mary, the Girl Next Door.

Here are two great time-wasting links containging just a little rhyme and absolutely no reason:

Unfortunate Valentine Cards

and

Dancing Paul

Get jiggy with it. Go on. Git!

Today around the world: September 1 is Independence Day in Uzbekistan and Yugoslavia.

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