04/29/04’s illustrious band:

Mowinfrau

Brought to you by the groundskeeper at Sensational Acres (that would be me).

The responsibilities and annoyances of homeownership are many, but there is satisfaction to be had, too, if you know where to look. Today, you need look no further than my yard. With all the rain we’ve been getting lately, my grass has needed mowing for at least a week already. Yesterday, temperatures were in the 80s and I had an evening free, so I decided to tackle the chore.

My mower, which usually requires several dozen yanks of the cord, roared to life on the third pull. I was so startled I lost my grip on the pull knob and almost fell on my keister right there in the driveway. I hadn’t even bothered to fill ‘er up with fresh grass or comb the yard for fallen branches because I was sure I’d have time to do those things during one of my rest breaks from pulling.

In fact, I was afraid the mower wouldn’t start at all, since I’d forgotten (again) to drain it of gas last fall. I figured I’d have to load it into the back of the Subaru and haul it over to the hardware store to wait in a long, long line for a spring tune-up. But no! It started right up, so I shrugged and began mowing. I got about a third of the way through before the blade choked on an old work glove that had blown in from the next door neighbor’s yard, so I did my clean-up after clearing that obstruction.

After mowing that lawn, which takes me an hour at most, I always feel a sense of accomplishment that’s out of proportion to the task. Yesterday was no exception. Looking around the yard, I nodded with satisfaction at the neatness of it, the way the uneven heights of the grass blades had smoothed out. The freshly cut grass smelled as lush and comforting as I remembered, likely to stick to my bare feet if I strayed too near the clippings after running through the sprinkler -- the fragrance and feeling of summer.

Today around the world: April 29 is the birthday of the Sultan of Terengganu in Malaysia and Greenery Day (Midori no Hi) in Japan.

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04/28/04’s illustrious band:

Driving Ambition

Brought to you by JerseyBizGuide.com.

Before you embark on that next driving tour of New Jersey, stop by this lovely Jersey Driving Tutorial. The animation is top-notch and the information indispensable. The only mistake I noticed is in the title; it should be called Minnesota Driving Tutorial.

But I digress. What you should really be reading is James Lileks’s latest addition to the Institute of Official Cheer, the Knudsen Dairy Products Cookbook. Have a napkin handy. Possibly a bucket. This one goes out to our good friend Jen X, who's away at the Cordon Bleu culinary school in Paris. Show those French people what good ol' American cuisine is all about, Jen!

Today around the world: April 28 is Canada’s Day of Mourning for Persons Killed or Injured in the Workplace. I wonder if the New Jersey (or Minnesota) Department of Transportation holds a similar observation. On the bright side, it’s also Hero’s Day in Barbados. The sandwich shops are packed with lusty revelers.

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04/27/04’s illustrious band:

Virtual Sushi Party

Brought to you by the Japan Culture Club. Amy 2.0, this one’s for you!

Too busy or too lazy to plan and execute an in-person sushi party? Or simply averse to eating actual raw fish? Not to worry -- Virtual Sushi Party (www.asahi-jc.com/sushi.htm) to the rescue! Visit the virtual party planner online, choose the types of sushi you want on your party menu, choose a background pattern for your invitation, enter some friends’ e-mail addresses, and voila! Instant virtual sushi party. Another marvel of Japanese efficiency and technical wizardry, served up in a germ-free environment.

Party animals, take note: When a VSP invitation arrives, the return address will be Japan Culture Club, not the address of the person who sent it. If you’re using a spam filter, check your junk mail box to make sure you’re not missing the v-social event of the season.

Today around the world: April 27 is Horse Day in Turkmenistan, Day of Resistance in Slovenia, and part of National Landscape Architecture Week in the U.S.

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04/23/04’s illustrious band:

Banana Guard

Brought to you by bananaGUARD, where the motto is “Protect your banana!”

If this link to www.BananaGuard.com, where they sell hard hats for fruit, is not enough to ensure you a giggly weekend, you are one sad individual. C’mon, man, they even have one that glows in the dark!

Today around the world: April 23 is World Book & Copyright Day. So give credit where credit is due when quoting the Media Sensation! It’s also Peppercorn Day in Bermuda (where the highest point is Town Hill, 76 meters above sea level) and Cinnamon Gum Day here at my desk.

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04/22/04’s illustrious British pub:

The Green Bison

Brought to you by British pubs and Jet Set Lee.

British public houses (bars or taverns) have long enjoyed fame for their creative names, boisterous dart games and beige food. When Jet Set Lee uttered the phrase “Green Bison” during a meeting this morning -- he was actually referring to a manufacturer of juicers and other food-prep equipment -- I couldn’t help but write it down. I mean, really, who wouldn’t want to say that they’d stopped for a pint at the Green Bison? I’m sure their buffalo wings are very popular, especially on St. Patrick’s Day.

Fancy Nancy became the next contributor when she referred to an appliance as a Grandiose Blender. If that were a pub, surely it would specialize in margaritas, daiquiris, and other frozen, fruity drinks.

Then I looked out the window onto Media HQ’s marshy back yard and noticed South Dakota’s state bird hotfooting it across the hummocks. Welcome to the Jogging Pheasant! Wild game is the specialty of the house. As an aside, though, why would a pheasant jog? I mean, it can fly. Unless it needed to stay under the radar for some reason, why stumble over rough ground when smooth sky sailing would be so much easier?

Well, this got me thinking, which is always dangerous, the more so when my Internet connection is working. A few clicks later, I found an index of quaint and amusing pub names, which yielded such gems as:

• The Bishop’s Finger
  
• The Amazon & Tiger
  
• The Blazing Donkey (no comments about hot asses, please!)
  
• The Norman Conquest
  
• Hogshead on the Walf
  
• Flute & Flypaper
  
• Goat in Boots
  
• The Legless Ladder
  
• Ye Old Dr. Butler’s Head
  
• Nowhere Inn Particular
  
• The Newt & Ferret
  
• The Joyful Whippet
  

And that’s just around London. I’ll drink to that! Makes me proud of my Anglo-Saxon heritage.

Today around the world: April 22 is Earth Day in Canada, Palau and the U.S.A.; the first day of summer in Iceland; and Oklahoma Day and Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day in the U.S.

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04/20/04’s illustrious band:

Qiviut

Brought to you by the Inuit language.

Qi·vi·ut [KEE-vee-ut]

noun. Undercoat of musk ox: the soft wool that grows beneath the long outer coat of the musk ox, used to make yarn

[Mid-20th century. From Inuit.]

Aren’t you glad you asked? Our Media Headquarters mascot, the stuffed and mounted musk ox Neville Oxbottom, sure is!

Today around the world: April 20 is St. George’s Day in Canada, eh?

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04/19/04’s illustrious band:

Swing Time

Brought to you by a weekend that put spring in my step.

I hit the Mall of America last Friday before the crowds arrived and finally, several weeks late, found a suitable birthday gift for Sister-san. I knew which store I wanted to go to, so the shopping part only took about 10 minutes. I even found a small trinket for Mother Media during that time. However, checkout took over 20 minutes. Gah! I felt very sorry for the young women running the cash register.

The trouble arose because I wanted the two items mailed to separate addresses -- one to Mother, one to Sister. The first cashier swiped my card, took down the mailing addresses, and prepared to send me on my way. Just then, however, she realized that because she was mailing the stuff out of state, she had to do something different with the sales tax. So she had to swipe my card to delete the first transaction, then reswipe it to run it with the correct tax. I also had to fill out a "return" form and sign the receipts.

But then the store manager (who appeared to be about 22 years old and to have spent 19 of those years in a tanning booth) happened by, and when my cashier asked for confirmation of the mail/tax policy, she got yet another story: Because I had purchased the items in the store, rather than over the phone, a third procedure was required.

By now my chickie was embarrassed and flustered, and her co-cashier was trying to help by redirecting other customers to the next cash register. Since the next register was not visible from where we were, these other customers wandered away but came right back, unable to find it, adding to the confusion. The first cashier again unswiped and reswiped my card and produced another set of receipts and forms. She also had to change the card machine's paper roll during this transaction because we'd used up several yards' worth.

I just stood there reading a coffee table book. What else could I do? After a full 20 minutes, measured out second by second on the clock behind the counter, I left the store -- and left empty-handed, since I'd had my purchases mailed away. But I had a pocket full of receipts to keep me company.

Anyway. Saturday was a fine, fine day. I went to classes as usual, then came home and read a book -- by which I mean that I picked up a new novel and, completely absorbed, finished it before bedtime. Purple Hibiscus, in case you're wondering. READ IT! The author's name is Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, and the story is set in Nigeria. It's brilliant.

And then it was Sunday, and I realized I had some work to do. Grocery shopping, laundry, yard work, cat play, cooking, bills. Beside the deck, I planted a couple day lilies given to me by a friend at work. I also raked 7 more bags' worth of leaves from the perimeter of the yard. Then break time came, and [insert trumpet fanfare] I set up the hammock! Whee!

Really -- whee! The winds were strong enough to keep me rocking as I lay reading, and one gust tipped hammock and stand over entirely while I was inside getting a drink. It was the wind, not the 80-degree weather, that finally drove me and the cats back inside.

Then the storm hit. I knew there was a storm because there was nothing but weather reports on TV for the next 3 hours, including my weekend treat, The Simpsons. Was that really necessary? I don't think so. Those colorful radar graphics didn't do me a damn bit of good anyway, because every time I glanced at the screen, my area of the map was completely obscured by the weather lady's elegantly clad butt. Me, I could tell there was a storm on simply by looking out the window. But I'm not a professional meteorologist, so what the heck do I know? Wind and rain pummeled my property for about an hour. Total damage: my garbage can blew over.

Still, we needed the rain, and I got my first chance of the year to chase aluminum chairs across the deck barefooted. That’s no small thing. I capped off the week with a traditional ice cream/Oreo dinner, so I know this week will be a good one.

Today around the world: April 19 is Administrative Professionals’ Week -- not Secretaries’ Day -- in the U.S.

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04/15/04’s illustrious band:

The Niles Monorail Tour

Brought to you by the Pedersen family of Fremont, California. Some people build backyard gardens. Some people build decks. Some build treehouses. The Pedersens built an elevated monorail, just like you’d find at the zoo or at Disneyland, to carry them on a tour of their property. Yes, these ordinary, everyday citizens built a train system on their north forty. Don’t believe me? Take the tour.

And don’t miss the home page of the Monorail Society. For every interest, there is a home page. This one is especially well done.

That’s it for today -- don’t want to TAX anybody’s brains on this special day.

Today around the world: April 15 is Tax Day in the U.S. of A. It’s also Rubber Eraser Day here. Do the two go together?

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04/14/04’s illustrious band:

Shrimp Cocktail

Brought to you by a friend of the Chicken Step Lady. I don’t endorse drinking alcohol to excess, but it can lead to some amusing stories. My current favorite, related by CSL at lunch today, goes as follows:

Some young men were imbibing freely at a party. One man mixed a fresh drink and reached into the freezer for more ice. Finding none, he groped around for a substitute and grabbed a handful of something from an open plastic bag. When he took the drink outside, his friends began to laugh. Rather than scooping up some frozen strawberries or peas, he had chilled his beverage with a couple dozen popcorn shrimp.

“What the heck,” he said. “At least they’re cold.”

Uh, yeah, buddy. Well, here’s hoping the rest of us stay cool as the mercury climbs. (Residents of Arizona may ignore the preceding.) I took advantage of some job portability today to do some research reading out on the company patio. Nice work if you can get it!

Today around the world: April 14 is New Year’s Day in Laos and Thailand. Cheers!

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04/12/04’s illustrious band:

Prose Portal

Brought to you by Jasper Fforde, author of The Eyre Affair, Lost in a Good Book and The Well of Lost Plots.

Jasper Fforde’s are sci-fi for the literary set or literature for the sci-fi set -- the best of both worlds for me. In his version of 1985 England, literature is the popular art form of the masses, with fans rabid enough to start up gangs devoted to their favorite novelists, poets and playwrights. There’s also a whole division of the Special Operatives Network, the Literary Detectives (LiteraTecs) that concentrates on nothing but crimes involving the printed word.

The heroine of Fforde’s works is Thursday Next, a LiteraTec about my own age who tracks literary criminals throughout the country -- and even into the pages of the books themselves. Her eccentric uncle has invented a device called the Prose Portal that can, using some strange combination of maggots and megawatts, insert a person into the story of a book, or bring a character from the book into the real world. You could literally get lost in (or hide out in) a good book, and in Thursday’s world, people do.

Now how cool is that? Imagination becomes reality! Like any bibliophile, I’ve spent many an hour immersed in books. But to actually go there, to meet the characters, see what they see, hear what they hear, smell what they smell . . . well, I’d pay a handsome sum for the device that could enable such transport. And so would the bad guys. I’m not going to spoil it for you by telling the whole story, but I do highly recommend these absorbing adventures.

I spent most of Easter weekend on the couch at Sensational Acres lost in good books and movies. The cats and I enjoyed some welcome R&R and entertained friends for a Rite of Spring bonfire, complete with ritual s’mores, and ate ice cream for dinner at least once. It was very nice to enjoy my pleasures at leisure rather than squeezing them in around obligations. I hope your break was as restful as mine.

Today around the world: April 12 is Easter Monday to quite a few people, and it’s Cosmonaut’s Day in the Russian Federation.

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04/07/04’s illustrious band:

Oath Bran

Brought to you by the United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA).

Your tax dollars at work: In searching the FDA website today, I read several examples of acceptable wording for nutrition labels. One of them touted a product as being a “good source of oath bran.”

Chances are that was just a typo, and the FDA was talking about a good source of oat bran. But what if it wasn’t? What if oath bran was a real food? Would it contain so much fiber that it would cause you to curse loudly as it passed through your digestive system? Or would you feel compelled to keep your promises after getting the recommended daily allowance?

The Media Sensation is enjoying a long weekend at Sensational Acres, looking forward to some pleasant weather by day and multimedia entertainment by night. The Rite of Spring Bonfire commences Saturday at 7:00 p.m. It’s BYO sacrificial Marshmallow Peeps; I promise you some very pretty s’mores.

And here’s a big shout-out to the Easter Bunny, whose timely gifts fill my days with sunshine and chocolate and everything fine. Thanks, EB!

Today around the world: April 7 is International World Health Day. It’s also Women’s Day in Mozambique.

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04/05/04’s illustrious law firm:

Clamber and Hack

Brought to you by Home Depot, where homeowners go to trim away those unwanted dollars.

Yesterday I went to Home Depot for two things: a pruning saw and a stepladder. It’s spring cleaning season at Sensational Acres, and I wanted the right tools for the job. Thanks to heavy, wet snow and high winds, my crabapple tree was suffering from a broken and dangling, but not quite severed, limb. I needed a pruning saw, a blade on a stick, to cut the branch high overhead. I needed a ladder because, well, I didn’t have one.

As it turned out, sawing down a tree limb 20 feet in the air with an unfamiliar tool was easy. Hack-a, hack-a, hack-a, and down it came. The hard part was getting the dang thing out of its packaging. The sharp-toothed business end of the saw was encased in clear plastic, which normally wouldn’t be much of a problem to remove. However, this plastic was riveted to the blade by a sturdy plastic screw that passed through both the plastic and a hole in the blade. The screw was not tooled with the usual spiral threading, so simply unscrewing it was not an option. I had to put on leather gloves, wedge my fingertips under the screw head, and work it back and forth, back and forth, to free one thread at a time. Brilliant!

Once free, the saw worked like a champ. I got the limb down and proceeded to cut it up for firewood in just a few minutes. I hauled the pieces to the growing brush pile, which I think will fuel a Rite of Spring bonfire this weekend, weather permitting.

But let me tell you about the ladder. It’s not just a stepladder. It’s a Gorilla 13-Foot Multi-Position Aluminum Ladder. It’s the Swiss Army knife of ladders. Here’s what it can do:

1. Bent in half, it can be either a 4-ft. or a 6-ft. step ladder, with steps on both sides.

   
   

2. You can also bend it at unusual angles to fit into odd spaces.

   
   

3. Straightened out, it’s an extension ladder up to 13 feet long.

   
   

4. If you take out the extending portions and hook them together, then bend the remaining jointed portion in half, you have two mini-step ladders across which you can lay boards to make scaffolding.

   
   

Yeah, baby!

And what did I do with this dazzling device? Well . . . nothing. I used up all my energy cutting down trees and raking and hauling leaves and had none left over for unfolding and climbing. Nor, if the truth be told, any high-up chores to do. But next time the light on the front of the garage needs to be changed, I’ll be ready.

Today around the world: April 5 is Full Moon Day of Kason in Myanmar/Burma and Bak Full Moon Poya Day in Sri Lanka. Have a howlin’ good time!

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