04/05/04’s illustrious law firm:

Clamber and Hack

Brought to you by Home Depot, where homeowners go to trim away those unwanted dollars.

Yesterday I went to Home Depot for two things: a pruning saw and a stepladder. It’s spring cleaning season at Sensational Acres, and I wanted the right tools for the job. Thanks to heavy, wet snow and high winds, my crabapple tree was suffering from a broken and dangling, but not quite severed, limb. I needed a pruning saw, a blade on a stick, to cut the branch high overhead. I needed a ladder because, well, I didn’t have one.

As it turned out, sawing down a tree limb 20 feet in the air with an unfamiliar tool was easy. Hack-a, hack-a, hack-a, and down it came. The hard part was getting the dang thing out of its packaging. The sharp-toothed business end of the saw was encased in clear plastic, which normally wouldn’t be much of a problem to remove. However, this plastic was riveted to the blade by a sturdy plastic screw that passed through both the plastic and a hole in the blade. The screw was not tooled with the usual spiral threading, so simply unscrewing it was not an option. I had to put on leather gloves, wedge my fingertips under the screw head, and work it back and forth, back and forth, to free one thread at a time. Brilliant!

Once free, the saw worked like a champ. I got the limb down and proceeded to cut it up for firewood in just a few minutes. I hauled the pieces to the growing brush pile, which I think will fuel a Rite of Spring bonfire this weekend, weather permitting.

But let me tell you about the ladder. It’s not just a stepladder. It’s a Gorilla 13-Foot Multi-Position Aluminum Ladder. It’s the Swiss Army knife of ladders. Here’s what it can do:

1. Bent in half, it can be either a 4-ft. or a 6-ft. step ladder, with steps on both sides.

   
   

2. You can also bend it at unusual angles to fit into odd spaces.

   
   

3. Straightened out, it’s an extension ladder up to 13 feet long.

   
   

4. If you take out the extending portions and hook them together, then bend the remaining jointed portion in half, you have two mini-step ladders across which you can lay boards to make scaffolding.

   
   

Yeah, baby!

And what did I do with this dazzling device? Well . . . nothing. I used up all my energy cutting down trees and raking and hauling leaves and had none left over for unfolding and climbing. Nor, if the truth be told, any high-up chores to do. But next time the light on the front of the garage needs to be changed, I’ll be ready.

Today around the world: April 5 is Full Moon Day of Kason in Myanmar/Burma and Bak Full Moon Poya Day in Sri Lanka. Have a howlin’ good time!

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