02/25/03’s illustrious band:

Valloween

Brought to you by Señor Editor and the Chicken Step Lady.

Valloween, they tell me, is that holiday on which one must be wary of scary romantic overtures -- like e-cards that compare you to veggie-studded Jell-O, for instance -- and eat lots of candy. Either that or it’s the day where you and your partner dress in romantic costumes and eat lots of candy.

Don’t you think it would be a great idea to combine Halloween and Valentine’s Day? They already have features in common: dressing up, eating candy. I think Easter, with its frilly frocks and hats, its jellybeans and chocolate eggs, should also be stirred into the mix. Then it becomes Valloweaster, and the Easter Bunny gets to pal around with Phil the Groundhog.

Similarly, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and all other winter observances should be lumped together. It’s winter, we get gifts, we’re thankful for them, we eat lots of turkey (and candy) and then watch football on TV. Hanukkwanzaamas! I even wrote a song for this one, to be sung to the tune of “O Tannenbaum”:

Hanukkwanzaamas, Hanukkwanzaamas;
How festive and inclusive.
Hanukkwanzaamas, Hanukkwanzaamas;
Its origin’s elusive.
With love and cheer and great respect,
It’s politically correct.
Hanukkwanzaamas, Hanukkwanzaamas;
Our praises are effusive.

Top that, Hallmark!

While we’re at it, how about blending the patriotic holidays? Just roll Independence Day, Veterans’ Day and Presidents’ Day into USA Day. And I’d blend Memorial Day and Mother’s and Father’s Day into Family Day, a time to honor relatives past and present.

New Year’s . . . let’s hitch St. Patrick’s Day to it and call it Boozing Day. Add Mardi Gras to that, too.

Labor Day . . . I can’t decide what to do with Labor Day, but I think we need to keep it around to mark the winding down of barbeque season. BBQ Day.

Martin Luther King Day should stay separate, though, and become a real live, nationally observed holiday to honor a real live hero.

Everyone still gets his or her own birthday, of course, but you automatically get the day off from work, school or jury duty.

Sure, the people who rotate the seasonal merchandise in stores would have less work to do, but I think holiday blending would really serve the public interest. It would simplify school and bank holiday calendars and cut down on the number of cards we need to buy, sign, address, stamp and send. And it would trim the volume of gifts, silly hats and candy. I’m not against costumes and candy by any means, but if we indulged just a few times a year instead of every three weeks, it might seem more special.

So mark your new and improved calendars, and save up your appetites and card budgets, for a blended holiday about every two months:

1. Valloweaster, late February. If you see the shadow of Marshmallow Peeps on the ground, expect six more weeks of winter. Dress ridiculously and stock up on candy to see you through the long, dark days. Theme colors: a hideous blend of orange, black and pastels.
   
2. Family Day, April or somewhere around the Spring Equinox, when flowers start to bloom. Hold reunions, visit graves. Theme colors: families’ discretion.
   
3. USA Day, a firecracker-hot day -- let’s make that an extra-long weekend -- in July. Parades, parades, parades. Theme colors: red, white and blue.
   
4. BBQ Day, end of August. Another long weekend, marked by outdoor cooking and the purchase of school supplies. Theme colors: shades of brown. Grilled meat brown, spicy sauce brown, suntan brown, dying grass brown . . .
   
5. Hanukkwanzaamas, late October spilling into November. I say we work half-days for about two weeks so there’s plenty of time for parties, but they don’t all happen at once. Turkey and pumpkin pie will be served at each and every one. Theme colors: anything bright and sparkly.
   
6. Boozing Day, end of the year. All work stops for a day or two so we can take a good hard look backward and a good hard look forward. Food: combo platter of Irish and Cajun cuisine. Theme colors: green, gold and purple.
   
7. MLK Day keeps its current date and traditions.
   

E-mail the Media Sensation: jugglernaut@hotmail.com