02/18/03’s illustrious band:

The Higher the Hair, the Closer to God

Brought to you by a postcard of beehived, colorized church ladies Mother Media found in a boutique near the river on her most recent visit to Sensational Acres, and by a photo of Nancy Reagan poor Skeeter stumbled across while leafing through a review copy of a relationship/dating manual I received. (Further reading reveals the manual to be self-published, and one look at the author’s photo explains why he had enough time to write and publish this book. By himself. Clearly without distraction from recent studies in psychology and sociology, and very clearly without polluting himself with girl germs.)

Yeah, there are two sets of words you don’t expect to see together: “Nancy Reagan” and “dating manual.”

But seriously, folks. The higher the hair, the closer to God. Isn’t this the coiffure credo of church ladies everywhere? Pile it, pin it, lacquer it up until it points to the sky like a steeple. The matriarchs of the congregation I grew up in had advanced degrees in the backcombing arts and sciences. Tammy Faye Baker’s ‘do has been described as Jiffy Pop hair.

And I think big hair is the real reason nuns wear wimples: to keep their voluminous locks from ascending toward the churches’ high rafters on their own, where they would interfere with ceiling fans and cell phone reception. How did you think the Flying Nun got her lift? Sure. And you could tell from the beginning of The Sound of Music that Maria wasn’t destined to remain in the convent just by her hairstyle. Short ‘n sassy = headed for a life of earthly sin.

Did I mention I’ve been letting my hair grow?

Date update: I think my little social spree with the speed-date guy may be drawing to a close. I took him to see a martial arts/Chinese theater performance by the incredible Shaolin Monks — monks tend to be bald or tonsured, so apparently high hair for holiness is a chick thing — and he was not into it at all. Not a lot of overlap in our areas of personal interest. But that’s OK. Can’t find out unless you try.

E-mail the Media Sensation: jugglernaut@hotmail.com