02/04/03’s illustrious band:

Jugglers Be Larger

Brought to you by the subject line of some spam e-mail I received today.

No doubt the spam program was cleverly playing back the first few letters of my e-mail handle in order to make the message appear personalized. Oops! I forgot to be positively influenced by this sales tactic, in much the same way that I routinely forget to be swayed by skeezy in-person salesfolk who make my name every third word of their spiel. My closest friends don’t call me by name more than once or twice a week. When strangers do it, it bugs me, and when anonymous machines do it, it’s just plain creepy. However, if I changed my name to Your Highness, it might become amusing.

I’m assuming “Jugglers be larger” is a relaxed-English way of saying “Jugglers are larger,” because certainly no one would e-mail me an offer to make parts of my body larger. Especially parts I don’t even have. We all know that jugglers are special people. Being one myself, if only on a very modest scale, I can attest to this truth. But we don’t need to be larger (or even, in some cases, to be at large). Particularly if you measure cranial circumference, we’re quite large enough already.

E-mail the Media Sensation: jugglernaut@hotmail.com