01/23/03’s illustrious band:

Everyday Rocket Science

Brought to you by my desire to see a few little changes that would make life a great deal easier. To wit:

• Coathooks in women’s bathrooms -- and probably in men’s rooms, too. Yes, we have hooks on the insides of the stall doors for hanging up coats, purses, small shopping bags, squirmy toddlers, etc. Very good. But once you get out, you’re stuck. There’s nowhere to put your stuff when you’re washing your hands unless you want to set it on the counter beside the sink. Which you don’t, because the counter looks like a scale map of Minnesota, complete with 10,000 lakes. So you’re stuck dumping your good coat and bag on the floor at your feet, or trying to brace them between your hip and the counter during the hand-washing process. And then you have to pick them up with wet hands or clamp them between your knees while you proceed to the hand-drying area. How tough would it be to install a few hooks on the walls next to the sink, maybe on the outside of that last stall? And how about putting a few small shelves there, too, so no one has to take a coffee mug into the place of business? People do, you know, and we’ve all heard by now how far the splash/mist from a flushing toilet can travel. ‘Nuff said.
  
• Corollary to the above: How about putting the hand-drying apparatus a little closer to the hand-wetting apparatus? Might cut down the number of lakes on the countertop if people didn’t have to wag their dripping mitts all the way across the room to dry them off, eh?
  
• Computers need wheels. Yes they do. I spent 10 minutes on my knees under my desk this morning wrestling my processing unit across a yard of carpet. The computer isn’t that heavy, and I’m not that wimpy, and the distance is certainly not that great. But due to my awkward position (just ask my across-the-aisle neighbors!) and the low overhead clearance, I couldn’t lift the unit high enough off the ground to avoid the enormous snag factor. A couple cheap little casters on the bottom of the tower would have made this a lot easier.
  
  By the way, don’t tell the cubicle furniture movers’ union that I did this. Moving one’s own cubicle furniture is forbidden. I think this stricture applies primarily to more permanent items like walls, baseboards and desk surfaces attached to the walls, but I’m not taking any chances. If I tick off the cube gods, I could end up with an office the size of a phone booth. You remember phone booths, right?
  
• I want architects and remodelers to consider traffic flow in public spaces when laying out the floor plans. Architects do, I know. Places like Target and grocery stores are marvels of intentionally channeled traffic flow, the result of hours upon hours of shopper observation. I wish people making new use of old space would spend a little time doing the same. The Soup Group’s favorite haunt, EatingTons, is a case in point. I rant about it every Thursday when we go, and since today is Thursday, I’m ranting about it here, too. When you enter, you walk right into the line of people waiting to get their soup. Once you’ve gotten your food, you turn around to find the cash register, only to run smack into the line you just left, because the register is near the door, back the way you came. And once you pay and turn to find a table, well, you’re swimming against the stream of people waiting to pay, because some of the seating is in the back; otherwise you have to fight your way through the entering/serving line to get to seating on the other side of the room. It’s tough. It’s also all you can eat for less than $4, so of course we keep going back.
  
• Counter space. You can never have enough counter space. Specifically, we need more counter space at cash registers so that after you’ve paid, you can scoot down a step and have a moment to tuck your change back into your purse or wallet, close it up, get out your keys and sunglasses, put on gloves, etc. -- all those activities you feel guilty doing right at the register because you’re keeping other people waiting. Stores that spend billions figuring out whether I’m likely to walk to the apples or the paper towels first should be able to shell out a buck for an extra 18 inches of counter space at the register.
  
• Failing a fashion revolution that makes stockings obsolete, I want pantyhose that don’t hurt. Unless I stick with knee-highs, which will probably give me terminal varicose veins before I’m 35, I end up with hose that are about a foot too long and have a waistband tight enough to clamp the wings onto the space shuttle during re-entry. What I want is a pair of hose with a kinder, gentler waistband that has Velcro on it -- and I want Velcro on my bra to hook the hose onto. The dang hose are so long I end up tucking the top under my bra anyway, so we might as well make it official. All hose-wearers do this, right? It’s either this or Post-It hose, which is actually an even better idea. Post-It hose would have a skin-friendly adhesive in the waistband; no elastic necessary. Just stick the waistband at the desired level, peel off when needed and then press back into place.
  
• While I’m at it, I want Post-It shirttails, too. Then I could tuck in a shirt and press the tail against my buns and not have it roll or bunch back up as soon as I’ve fastened my pants.
  
• And finally, I’d like to see some cubicle walls in colors other than grey. Not only would they be less monotonous to look at, colorful walls might actually increase productivity. Certain bright shades are known to stimulate the brain and increase energy levels, while cooler ones contribute to serenity. Workers could look at one wall for motivation, the other for relaxation. I’m surprised these aren’t already mandatory.
  

C’mon, designers! It shouldn’t take an English major to figure these things out!
What’s on everyone else’s wish list?
E-mail: jugglernaut@hotmail.com