Poster Child

Brought to you by me. Warning! Contains traces of annoyance!

Let's say you and I meet at a party. You tell me a little bit about yourself and I reply, "Wow, you sound really deviant and mean."

Not very nice, is it? But I get that all the time. When someone learns that I study martial arts, I often get some version of, "Wow, you must be a lot of fun on dates." Women say it occasionally, men almost every time.

What I hear when they say this is, "I assume that you attack people indiscriminately, especially men." It hurts my feelings to be stereotyped as pointlessly cruel and misogynistic. And it's insulting when people think I couldn't come up with something more interesting to do on a date than fight. I am a very interesting date! For instance, we could talk about Star Trek. Or Rockapella. Or ways in which The X-Files resembles Victorian literature.

Some stupid jerk said "you must be a lot of fun on dates" to the Kerner and me at our martial arts class last night. (I call him a stupid jerk not because he uttered the fateful line, but because I have the proof of personal acquaintance.) We both tried to redirect the conversation, but he kept coming back to the humor value of our dangerousness. Apparently he wanted us to recognize how clever he was or something — as if we both haven't been hearing this refrain for the past 15 years or so. He could also not seem to grasp the fact that the Kerner is happily married. (To a man, might I add. Studying martial arts doesn't make a woman a lesbian, either, although I know some of you think it does. I know because you've asked me.)

Finally I lost patience with Stupid, looked him in the eye and said, "Bottom line: I have better things to do with my time than kick your ass." But I couldn't think of any at the moment, which shames me. We split for a water break after that.

Even our classmates -- the men (and women, sad to say) whose asses we consistently do not kick, week in and week out -- spout this crap! Of all people who ought to know better! Aren't they in class for the same purpose: to get some exercise, improve their health, and learn some self-defense?

No one attends those classes to hurt people. No one. People with that kind of attitude get weeded out very quickly. You would never say of one of the male students, "This guy is likely to use what he's learned here to beat people up for no reason." No one would think that was funny. They'd think the guy had a problem, and they'd be right. Well, same goes for the rest of us, OK?

The women listening to me carry on about this in the dressing room have all heard the same thing, with varying degrees of frustration. We all know that the knee-jerk reaction says more about the speaker than about us. But still. It stings.

When I discussed this with Grassmaster, she pointed out that it's the female equivalent of people oohing and aahing when a man holds a baby tenderly, or of calling it babysitting when a father minds his own children. When a woman holds a baby, the focus is on the baby. When a man holds a baby, the focus is on the man and his "abnormal" behavior.

News flash, friends. A man holding a baby is not abnormal, and neither is a woman studying martial arts. It may not be what you're used to, but that doesn't make it abnormal.

Next time I get "You must be a lot of fun on dates," I plan to reply, "What makes you say that?" in a very calm and reasonable tone. That's the T'ai Chi way. It's better than snapping, "Don't worry, sweetie, you're safe; I would never date someone who scares so easily." Firing off a zinger is not the T'ai Chi way. But that's what I'll be thinking.

And if you're the one tempted to say "You must be fun blah blah blah," try "How interesting. What style do you study?" instead. Aim for conversation, not accusation.

When people can think of me as "artist" as well as "martial," then I'll be happy.

Today around the world: February is Groundhog Day. Looks like six more weeks of winter.