Band Name of the Day

11/18/03’s illustrious band:

The Whine Line

Brought to you by Fleur Elyse and Miss Pat.

Elyse had some grumbling to do the other day and turned to Pat for a compassionate ear. Pat, being a good friend, said the right things at the right times, and soon Elyse felt better. She joked that Pat should record her reassuring voice so people could call and listen to it any time they needed a boost.

This seemed like a good idea, so speculation turned to how to structure the service. Pat decided she’d call it the Whine Line: 1-900-WHINING. For a fee, you could pour out your woes to Pat and she’d sympathize until your time (or your money) ran out.

However, this seemed like a lot of tedium for Pat, who would no doubt find herself repeating the same platitudes over and over. There had to be a way to make technology do more of the work so Pat could do less.

First, the call should be routed depending on what the problem is. They figured it should be possible for voice recognition software to sift the caller’s speech for key words or phrases relating to work, money, relationships, etc.

Then, at the first pause, the caller would be asked what kind of response he or she would like. “For warmth and sympathy, press 1. For righteous indignation, press 2. For vindictive profanity, press 3.” After that, whenever the caller paused in his or her tirade, the software would insert a situation-appropriate response of the preferred type.

To make it sound slightly less artificial, the computer would cycle through several response phrases within each type. For instance, the “warmth and sympathy” responses for a relationship call would include things like, “Mmhm,” “I hear you,” “You can do better,” “How awful,” “It’s his/her loss” (you’d have to specify your gender and the gender of the person you’re complaining about). “Righteous indignation” responses for a work problem: “You’re so right!” “You’re the only sane person there!” “That’s ridiculous!” “Those idiots ought to listen to you!” And . . . well, we already know what vindictive profanity sounds like, don’t we.

Good idea, yes? The Whine Line is now seeking venture capitalists to invest in this exciting start-up opportunity. Send pledges to the address at the bottom of your screen, and you’ll be notified about where you can send actual money. Thank you for calling the Whine Line. Please gripe again soon.

E-mail the Media Sensation: BandNameoftheDay@hotmail.com

Visit the BND archives at http://jugglernaut.blogspot.com.