When I Am Queen

When I am Queen, there are going to be a few changes around here. Under the Media Monarch:

• Our royal niece is officially the Cutest Niece Ever. Nieces of competitive cuteness will be given unattractive haircuts and dressed in clashing plaids.

  
  

• "I'm reading" is a valid excuse for missing any event, meeting, appointment, or chore.

  
  

• All TV commercials must be personally approved by Her Majesty.

  
  

• Her Majesty is reading.

  
  

• National anthem: "Shout!"

  
  

• National stain remover: Shout.

  
  

• Teachers and pro athletes get equal pay.

  
  

• We're with our royal colleague the King of Spain: make Friday part of the weekend and give every new baby a chocolate éclair.

  
  

• Jeans and T-shirts are acceptable business attire. Visible thong underwear is not.

  
  

• Cigarettes, which only Her Majesty's Government may sell, cost $250 a pack. Smoking is legal in locations not upwind of anywhere else on the globe.

  
  

• Secretary of Defense: Jackie Chan.

  
  

• Court Musicians: Rockapella.

  
  

• Court Jester: Eddie Izzard.

  
  

• Court TV: No.

  
  

• Royal Pain in the Ass: Rush Limbaugh.

  
  

• Her Majesty is rubber and you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off Her Majesty and sticks to you.

  
  

• No one graduates without knowing how to use the apostrophe. No one!

  
  

• Wherever there's free coffee, there's also free Coke.

  
  

• Public restrooms will be designed using common sense.

  
  

• Mandatory ice cream (or comparable lactose-free frozen dessert) at all staff meetings.

  
  

• Out: bald eagle. In: fluffy kitten.

  
  

• Political speeches that can't be made in limerick form in less than five minutes don't get made at all.

  
  

• National pastime: Blogging, not baseball.

Welcome to my world.