Soylent Theater

CONvergence 2005, Episode IV

One of the high points of every sci-fi con is the Masquerade. This popular event has evolved from a mere fashion show into a costume/skit/performance art competition, complete with soundtracks, dialogue, props, and special effects. Contestants are judged on presentation as well as on appearance and workmanship, with separate categories for kids, novice entries, and seasoned competitors.

Now, I?m picky when it comes to theater, even amateur theater, so I always take the precaution of visiting the bar before the Masquerade. A Bass Ale or two makes me a much more appreciative audience member: more patient with the delays between entrants, the inevitable technical difficulties, and the occasional overly long or simply incomprehensible performance. A Bass or two keeps me from bellowing the following at the top of my lungs:

1. If you're going to present a comedy sketch, be funny! Seems like a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised how many people overlook that key ingredient.
   
2. If your theme song is "Kung Fu Fighting" and your skit involves kung fu fighting, learn some frickin' kung fu fighting already! Don't fake it. We can tell when you don't know how to hold your weapon or throw a punch. Don't make us laugh at you for the wrong reason.
   
3. Limit the cute kid moments to 30 seconds or less. That's long enough for us to appreciate how cute the kid is and how hard you worked on the costume, but not so long that the poor child runs out of choreography and just stands there like a deer in the headlights until the music fades out.
   
4. If the reading of the credits for your entry takes longer than the actual staging of it, you're trying too hard.
   

With that off my chest, here are a few of my favorite moments from this year's Masquerade:

• Star Wars meets Monty Python. Must be seen to be believed.

  
  

• Dash from the animated feature film The Incredibles. Dash is a kid whose superhero power is the ability to run lightning fast. A little boy about five years old comes out on stage in an excellent Dash costume, poses for a second, then exits stage left. A moment later, he, or rather his twin brother, reappears at stage right, poses for a second, then exits. Reappears stage left, etc., a couple more times. Dash obeyed the 30-second rule, and the audience roared the entire time.

  
  

• Dolphins of Damnation. There was a talky skit about I forget what, but it included the phrase "dolphins of damnation." That would make a darn fine name for a band, don't you think?

  
  

• LOTR elf Legolas, complete with bow. Nice wig, but needs more Orlando.

  
  

• Superhero Helpline. In this story, a superhero's sidekick has been captured and is tied to a chair awaiting doom. He chair-hops over to a phone and, using his nose, dials the Superhero Helpline. He must then navigate a typical maddening voice menu, including an option to continue in Spanish and "If you're drugged and unconscious, press 2."

  
  

• Shaun of the Dead. A deadpan British zombie-themed dance number, complete with visual references to Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and a special appearance by claymation Brits Wallace & Grommit and Shaun the Sheep. (Sadly, however, no "Zombie Jamboree.")

  
  

• Writer's Block. A frustrated writer tosses a crumpled page over his shoulder and exits. Then, from a darkened corner of the stage, arises an enormous crumpled paper monster. Trust me, writers do worry about this sort of thing.

  
  

• Stagehands. The guys clearing the stage between skits got more applause than some of the actual performers ? in some cases, because their acting was much better.

  
  

• The Great Luke Ski. While not a contestant, the Great Luke Ski did make a guest appearance to perform his song "Jedi Knights" from his Star Wars parody medley "Grease Wars." Luke Ski, a regular on the Dr. Demento radio show, is the Weird Al of sci-fi. "Jedi Knights" is sung to the tune of "Summer Days," or whatever that song is ? the "tell me more, tell me more" number. It's pretty funny, although Ski is a much better rapper than singer. I caught his whole show in Connie's Space Lounge later Saturday night and quite enjoyed it. He even worked in a short vocal percussion break ? just long enough to make me pine for Jeff Thacher.

  
  

• Soylent Theater. The Soylent Theater troupe has been providing entr'acte entertainment at CONvergence for the past seven years. They've had moments of X-treme lameness in the past, but this year they were pretty damn good, and I'm not just talking through my Bass. They were well rehearsed, topical, funny, and easy to hear. What with Star Wars being all the rage this summer, their piece for the opening ceremonies was "The Sith Wing," a Star Wars take on the TV show "The West Wing." Their half-time presentation for the Masquerade revolved around Anakin Skywalker training to be not a Jedi Knight but a stand-up comic, wielding a rubber chicken instead of a light saber. Funny stuff. Soylent Theater: It's made from people!

As much as I enjoyed the Masquerade this year, I did not stick around after Soylent Theater's bit to learn the results. I was famished and had to head to the House of Toast for a slice of whole-wheat with Spaghetti-Os and a side of sushi. I'll check the con web site sometime soon (now that the organizers have had a chance to sleep it off) and let you know.

Today around the world: July 8 is Gay Pride Day in the Netherlands.