Lung Fu

Brought to you by my strong dislike of public smoking.

Since it’s Tax Day, I thought I’d take your mind off it by talking about something equally unpleasant: smoking. Here’s an argument I heard once that I found pretty entertaining. See if it works for you.

Like the kidneys and intestines, the lungs are part of the body’s excretory system. The process goes like this: intake, extract, excrete. For the former two, the digestive system takes in food; the kidneys and intestines extract fuel and excrete the waste as urine and feces. For the latter, the respiratory system takes in cigarette smoke; the lungs exctract nicotine and excrete the waste as smoky carbon dioxide. With me so far?

So lungs are excretory organs just as kidneys and bowels are excretory organs. Since things that are equal to the same thing are equal to each other, lungs are the same as kidneys and bowels. Therefore, if a smoker chooses to empty his or her excretory organs all over an eater’s hair, clothing, belongings and personal space, an eater has an equivalent right to empty his or her excretory organs all over the smoker’s hair, clothing, belongings and personal space.

In other words, if you can blow smoke on me, I can take a leak or a dump on you. So think twice before you light up, there, genius.

There. Now taxes don’t seem quite so icky, right? You’re welcome.

Today around the world: April 15 is both Tax Day and Rubber Eraser Day in the U.S. Do you suppose the two are related?