12/13/04’s illustrious band:

Ladder Day Saint

Brought to you by the overworked maintenance crew at Sensational Acres.

Being a solo homeowner has its perks. The bathroom is always available when I need it, the stereo is always tuned to my station, and the TV remote is always in my hand. I have a monopoly on the hammock, the couch, and all the purring cats. I get the first sniff of lilac in the spring and the last crunch of leaves in the fall. I am Queen. It's good to be Queen.

However, I'm a queen with no subjects, a fact that becomes clear every time there's work to be done around the place. Clogged drain? My problem. Overgrown lawn? My problem. Empty pantry? My problem. Ejected hairball? My problem. Expired light bulbs? My problem.

It was for this reason that I found myself royally loofing the neighborhood last Friday. [Loof, v. To moon, or to expose one's buttocks to, in the manner of my childhood neighbor Mrs. Loof as she bent to pull weeds in her yard.]

One of the security lights at the peak of the garage roof needed replacing, and it was up to me to do it. First I had to work the kinks out of the ladder (the Gorilla 13-Foot Multi-Position Aluminum Ladder, to be precise), which is like a big, heavy, cold Transformer toy for grownups. Lots of bending over involved. Then I had to find a level, nondusty, ice-free spot on the driveway to place the ladder. More bending as I swept a place clear. Then I ascended the ladder in that hunchy buns-out ladder-ascending crouch. Swapped the bulbs, counterbalancing my east-reaching arm with a west-thrusting hip.

The operation went well until the old bulb fell out of my coat pocket to shplatter on the driveway. So once I returned to the ground, I had to sweep up the glass, since I'll be barefoot out there next summer. It finally occurred to me, as I bent to whisk shards into a dustpan, to turn my head toward the street and my rear toward the building, but by then it was too late. Any neighbors who happened to be watching got a full show.

However, this was the worst thing that happened to me -- and probably to the neighbors -- all weekend, so as weekends go, it was a very good one. I cleaned and laundered, read and wrote, surfed and chatted, and even braved the Darth Mall for a little holiday shopping. It's likely to be my last lazy weekend for a while, since I've got company coming in a mere 10 days and plenty of decorating, etc., to do. Next project: degriswalding strands of lights. Wish me luck.

Today around the world: December 13 is National Tree Planting Day in Malawi, a small republic in southern Africa, east of Zambia.

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