09/8/03’s illustrious band:

Spider Vanes

Brought to you by the latest in scientific research.

I’ve been reading a lot about spider veins this afternoon. They’re basically a smaller-scale version of varicose veins and are treated in much the same way. However, reading about spider-anything reminded me of a conversation about phobias that took place earlier in the day.

Must of us in the writers’ bloc area of Media Headquarters seem to have an irrational fear of something. For The Other Amy, it’s wasps and yellow jackets, especially if they land in one’s hair. For me, it’s snakes; if unexpectedly brought face-to-face with a live one, I could demonstrate levitation in a nanosecond. For Senor Editor, it’s spiders. He killed one over the weekend but is reluctant to sift through the CDs it fell into because he doesn’t relish being suddenly confronted with the 8-legged corpse.

And that’s where the spider vane comes in. A weather vane, as you know, indicates where the weather, or at least the wind, is coming from. I think we need tricorder-like devices that do the same for spiders, snakes and wasps. (Or maybe it would just be a bit of software you could download for your Palm Pilot.) A spider vane would indicate, by beeping or blinking, the presence of unwelcome life forms in your immediate area. It could tell you whether there’s a nest of hornets under the eaves up at the cabin, a snake under that rock beside the hiking trail, or a spider lurking on the shelves in the basement. Upgrade versions of the device or program would tell you what species it was and even what sort of evasive action to take.

Surely the spider vane is already in production somewhere. It can’t be that tough to manufacture. I mean, we’ve got satellites that can read your license plate while hiding behind Mars; a snake detector has got to be a piece of cake by those standards.

Of course, I’m sure a special breed of dog could be taught to sniff the critters out, too, with the advantage of being both loyal and biodegradable. But I’m much more a vane person than a dog person.

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