04/28/03’s illustrious band:

The Numbers Game

Brought to you by my attempt to refinance my mortgage.

I’m refinancing the mortgage on Sensational Acres. It’s a smart thing to do, they tell me; I’ll pay less interest for less time, and as a bonus I’m also paying off the car loan. I’ll end up keeping significantly more money at home each month.

So why doesn’t this feel like fun?

My blood pressure is on a roller coaster here. I keep being asked to prove things that should already be a matter of record and to provide documentation of the proof, and to provide the documents, too. To wit (or witless, as I’m fast becoming):

• First came bunch of faxing and e-mailing of information back and forth. A slow start, not too tough. I abused company e-mail and fax equipment.
  
• Next I had to schedule an appraisal of the house and rush home on a lunch hour to let the appraiser in. He spent approximately 3.5 minutes on the property and left. I had to deal with bad traffic and was late getting back to work.
  
• Then there was a wrangle over a long-defunct bank account shared by El Pendejo and me. He’s the one who declared bankruptcy, but since my name was tied to his on that account, I’ve had to beg my bank (during work hours, of course) to provide my refinancing processor with a letter stating my noninvolvement in the bankruptcy, so the processor can pass it along to the title company before closing. Which is this Friday.
  
• Then there was the whole Green Albatross thing with the sale of the pickup, which I had to explain and document. That ate up a good couple hours of my business day, too.
  
• And while we’re on the subject of my ex-husband, I was informed last Friday that I need to provide the title company with a certified copy of the divorce decree so they can be good and satisfied that I’m not married to a bankrupt individual nor responsible for his debts.
  Well, you can’t just call up Divorce Decrees R Us and ask for a copy to get transferred. I called the attorney who handled my case, who eventually called me back with the information that I’d need to get my copy from the Family Court Justice Center. So I called the FCJC to make sure they had my document on file; finding it missing wouldn’t have surprised me. But it’s there.
  Can they send a copy to the title company? Sure, but please allow 2 to 4 weeks for mailing, once the request is processed. That’s no good; closing is Friday, and the title company needs the decree in hand before then. So I have to go fetch it myself -- there’s a fee, of course -- which means driving into downtown tomorrow morning, finding and paying for parking, spelunking through the bureaucracy and overnight-mailing it to the title company. (I think I’ll get a copy for myself, too, just in case.) I’m definitely going to be late for work. But OK, I’ll do it.
  
• I got a letter from the title company last week instructing me to bring various other things to closing, too. Like a cashier’s check for a huge amount of money. My processor had told me I wouldn’t need to write anyone any checks that day, so naturally I panicked. Called the processor. Was reassured that I really don’t need to bring a big check, that part of the title company’s form letter didn’t apply to me. OK, sigh of relief.
  
• The letter also instructed me to provide some information about my homeowner’s insurance — information I didn’t have on hand, and which I did not know where to find. Another call to the processor. Relax, she said, it’s already taken care of.
  
• But it wasn’t; half an hour later, the processor called back all apologetic; seems I needed to call the insurance provider, request some adjustments, and have the insurance company fax info back to the processor. Which I did. During work hours.
  
• The letter also instructed me to bring a list of my addresses for the past 10 years. That was the easiest part of the whole deal so far. I’ve had 5 addresses in the past 10 years, but I remembered them all well enough to go to the U.S. Postal Service web site and confirm the zip codes. That part was actually kinda fun and only eroded about 10 minutes of my workday.
  
• Last but not least, I’m required to bring a picture ID to closing. I have one in my possession, but with my luck I’ll get an 11th-hour request to go get a new one (on company time, no doubt) so that the photo matches my current hairstyle. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen.
  

So yeah, it’s been a busy couple weeks at Media Headquarters. The refinancing may just get done this week. I’m hoping! And then it’s back to the much easier task of creating an award-winning health and wellness magazine. Relief!

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