04/24/03’s illustrious band:

Safekrush

Brought to you by The Other Amy, managing editor of the country’s largest gardening magazine.

We’re talking about Safekrush, the concussion extermination system (www.safecrush.com). At first glance, you might think that a concussion extermination system exists for the extermination of concussion, perhaps in the form of a football helmet or shock absorber. But Safekrush is a system for extermination through concussion -- i.e., blowing stuff up.

Specifically, blowing critters up. Safekrush is a “humane but deadly” method for getting rid of burrowing critters in your yard or garden. (Last I looked, “humane” and “deadly” were sort of opposites, but nobody asked me.) The advertising promises that you will be able to bring pocket gophers, moles, muskrats, ground squirrels, prairie dogs, badgers and woodchucks under control. All you have to do is inject a mixture of oxygen and propane into the animals’ tunnels, press the button, and KABOOM! “Ignition of the mixed gasses in a closed underground space results in a massive concussion traveling at 5,000 feet per second that instantly and humanely kills the Gopher [sic] and collapses the tunnel.”

Is anyone else thinking of Bill Murray’s gopher-hating, bomb-loving Caddyshack groundskeeper here?

The big draw is supposed to be that Safekrush is better than other, messier extermination methods. In fact, the product is targeted specifically at women. The press kit reads, “What women do not like: Setting steel spring traps, spreading poison baits or noxious liquids, lighting toxic smoke bombs or fumigants, removing dead animals from traps . . .” Yeah, no woman likes to do those things. (Men do, the promo infers.) But blowing a few of God’s creatures to kingdom come? You betcha!

I haven’t had this much fun with promotional literature since I got that Rest Room World catalog back in September.

The frequently asked questions on the back of the press kit are my favorite part. For instance:

• “Will the underground concussion damage roots, buried pipes or cables or drip irrigation systems? Our experience has been that no damage is done to underground objects.”
  Translation: Uh, not when we tested the first batch in Jed’s backyard. We don’t think. ‘Course, Jed ain’t got none o’ that stuff in his yard.

  
  

• “What about the potential for starting a fire? This is a definite hazard under some conditions. Great care must be taken around dried grasses or other combustible materials . . .”
  Translation: Hell yes, this is dangerous, girl! You’re SETTING OFF A GAS BOMB!

  
  

• “How can I be sure that I can do this job? If you can squeeze a trigger to release the gasses and push a remote control button to ignite the gasses, you will be a great success at concussion extermination.”
  Translation: Any idiot can do this. We should know.

  
  

Oh, and did I mention the price? A complete Safekrush system, including one injection assembly, one ignition device, two pressure control valves and a mobile cart, will cost you $1,170 plus $25 shipping and handling, for a grand total of $1,195 (California residents add 7.5% sales tax). And the unit is not subject to return.

Notice anything missing? Like the combustible gasses? Well, if you read the fine print, you’ll learn that “Oxygen and propane tanks are not provided since they are heavy to ship and must be charged locally in any case.” I’m thinking I could just buy a couple tanks of gas, some rubber hose, a cheap-looking dolly and various other dangerous things at my local hardware store and start concussively exterminating on my own. Then again, that sounds a lot like the plot of a sketch on The Red Green Show.

So there you have it, folks: the finest critter ridder technology can offer. Give the product this consideration it deserves. Then let your cat or terrier out.

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