04/08/03’s illustrious band:

Pompom Cooties

Happy Birthday, Sister-san!

Brought to you by my work for an Award-Winning Magazine.

I was recently recruited to model for photos for one of our magazine articles, chosen primarily for my ability to jump into the air and kick my heels to the side just so. In complimenting my jumping ability, El Queso Grande made the mistake of commenting that I must have been a cheerleader in high school.

My reaction could be described as fairly negative; the cheerleaders in my class were best known for drinking lots of beer at parties and dating lots of boys. I, of course, did not drink beer at parties, and I dated only boys carefully selected for their potential to annoy my parents.

Fast forward to this morning, where there’s a spring cleaning effort afoot at Media Headquarters. Someone had found a set of mini-pompoms in a storage cubicle -- don’t ask me what they were doing in our highly professional, strictly business office -- and set them out on the “free” counter. Of course I picked them up. (For one thing, they’re in the school colors of Dad’s alma mater, SDSU, better known as Moo U to us USD graduates.) And I revenged myself upon El Queso Grande by performing a cheer, complete with jumps and kicks, in her office, while she was trying to take a drink. Wanna hear it? Ready? OK!

Health and wellness is the best!

Go and get your colon test!

Pretty good for an impromptu cheer, if I do say so myself, and the choreography was the best you could expect in the tight confines of an office, from someone wearing business attire.

Of course, this was not to be the end of it. Oh no. I also composed a cheer praising bicycling as a form of exercise, and I was then required to repeat both for our publisher when he stopped by. It was also threatened that I might be asked to cheer at our next staff meeting, which will be held in a glass-walled conference room abutting the lobby.

So this might not have been such sweet revenge after all. The only thing good about it is that I can chase male colleagues with the pompoms and threaten their masculinity with pompom cooties. I haven’t had too many disturbances in my office today.

E-mail the Media Sensation: jugglernaut@hotmail.com

P.S. I’d be happy to compose and perform a personalized cheer for your next birthday, family reunion, church fund-raiser or corporate event. Sliding fee scale. And no, I will not wear the little pleated skirt. Gotta have standards.