04/16/03’s illustrious band:

Colossal Colon

Brought to you by the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA).

The latest issue of JAMA spotlights a gigantic model of a human colon that’s touring the country to raise awareness about colorectal cancer. The colon is constructed of plywood and polyurethane, and it’s 40 feet long and large enough in diameter for people to crawl through. “The tunnel features realistic depictions of early and advanced malignancies, polyps, and diverticulosis, all modeled from structures seen on colonoscopy,” says the report.

Images of the super-bowel reveal elaborate paint jobs on both the interior and exterior, with realistic texturing and faux finishes Martha Stewart herself would be proud of. Equally striking are the volleyball-sized polyps and a rashy patch of tissue as tall as a third-grader. Numerous Plexiglas viewing windows admit light and the stares of onlookers to the inner workings.

Yeah, so what can I say about a colossal colon? I’m sure it has already been the butt of innumerable jokes. My first thought was to wonder how they clean the thing. Does someone just scatter bran flakes through there every evening, or sluice the passage with prune juice, and return in the morning to find it gleaming? And how is it transported? On a colon semi, I’m assuming. Are the people who maintain it called colonials or colonics? Or colonnades? Are the institutions that exhibit it referred to as having been colonized?

Wow, I just realized I’ve been distracted by this extra-large intestine for at least 20 minutes. Consider my awareness, if not my intellect, elevated.

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