08/31/04’s illustrious band:

Advice Column

Brought to you by the smart people who tell me what to do. Sometimes I even listen.

Here are a few of the best pieces of advice I ever got. Maybe they’ll be helpful to you, too.

1. “Stillness is the master of unrest.” So says the Tao Te Ching, the ages-old book of Chinese philosophy that informs T’ai Chi and, hence, me. Modern translation: Chill out, dude. It ain’t a problem unless you decide it’s a problem. By the time you taken a few deep breaths, quite a lot of things will sort themselves out.

   
   

2. “Don’t write anything you’re not willing to sign your name to.” My parents told me this when I was ready to spout off with a venomous but anonymous letter to the editor of my hometown newspaper a couple dozen years ago. It brought me up short, but they’re right. If you’re not willing to admit in public that you said it, it doesn’t need saying.

   
   

3. “Chin down. Hands up.” Them’s fightin’ words from my Eclectsis/boxing instructor, and what works in the ring works in the world. Keep your chin down so you don’t topple over if you take a hit. Keep your hands up so that doesn’t happen too often.

   
   

4. “If you have TP in the bathroom and ice cream in the freezer, you’re OK.” Dad’s motto. If you have your necessities provided for and a small luxury or two, what else do you really need? Besides a good trout stream, I mean.

   
   

5. “See Dodgeball.” The Chicken Step Lady -- hereafter known by her intimidating warrior name, the Kerner -- told me my life would not be complete until I saw the latest Ben Stiller comedy on the big screen. Truer words were never spoken. You all owe it to yourselves to see this movie. Don’t have time? Think it’s too silly? See #1. And then rent Starsky & Hutch, too.

   
   

Car door lock update: I never did remember to ask any of the nice Subaru service guys whether that second lock switch could unlock the car door in the absence of battery power. However, I did test the theory in the parking lot at Media Headquarters by getting in, locking the doors electronically, and flipping the switch. Worked like a charm. So I wouldn’t have had to crawl out through my trunk yesterday morning after all. But doing it the easy wouldn’t have made nearly as good a story.

Today around the world: August 30 is National Language Day in Moldova. The Republic of Moldova nestles between Romania and Ukraine and was the first former Soviet state to elect a Communist president in 2001. It enjoys a favorable climate and good farmland but has no major mineral deposits. As a result, the economy depends heavily on agriculture, featuring fruits, vegetables, wine, and tobacco. Moldova must import almost all of its energy supplies from Russia. Energy shortages contributed to sharp production declines after the breakup of the Soviet Union in 1991. I guess when you’re the poorest nation in Europe, you celebrate whatever you’ve got.

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