08/30/04’s illustrious band:

Assault Battery

Brought to you by a slip of the hip. Here’s how I spent my day:

7:35 Load car to head for work.

7:35:15 Slip into driver’s seat. Lock doors. Turn key.

7:35:18 Turn key a couple more times. Note that nothing is happening. Nothing.

7:36 Pause for a few moments, then try key again. Achieve same non-results. Notice time on dashboard clock: 1:00. Suspect death of car battery. Decide to head back inside and call for help.

7:36:20 Recall part about locking doors before draining last dregs of life from battery. Realize that locks are electronic and don’t work without battery power. Think, “Well, foo. I’m trapped in my car inside my garage, and the horn doesn’t even work.”

7:37 Bypass feeling of panic in favor of freshly charged cell phone in purse. Make mental note to thank mother for insisting I carry phone. Call 411 for number of nearest Subaru dealership. Get no response. Try car key again. Get no response.

7:38 Call office, leave message for colleague explaining reason for tardiness.

7:40 Consider options. Calling 911: too embarrassing. Breaking window: too difficult, expensive, messy. Escaping through sunroof: impossible because sunroof is battery-powered, too. Remember, however, that trunk latch is not.

7:41 Open trap door between back seats, allowing access to trunk. Compare size of opening to size of shoulders and butt. Feel optimistic. Pop trunk latch with manual lever. See light at end of tunnel. Use convenient quarterstaff (left over from martial arts retreat a few weeks ago) to push trunk lid wide open.

7:42 Wriggle into back seat. Remove jacket. Take deep breath and hold it. Slither through trap door into trunk. Emerge, reborn, into garage. Look around to see if any neighbors are watching.

7:43 Close trunk. Use key to manually open car door from outside. Annoy car security system so that it starts beeping feebly.

7:44 Leave another message for colleague explaining miraculous escape. Expect some ribbing upon arrival at office.

7:45 Call Subaru. Get no response. Decide they’re not open yet.

7:46 Head for home office. Check work phone messages, e-mail messages. Respond and delete as necessary.

8:15 Call Subaru. Get no response. Call different Subaru dealer. Get correct phone number for nearest dealership. Call. Arrange for guys with jumper cables to come revive car and drive it to dealership for service. Also arrange for ride to work from courtesy van. Attempt to disarm car security system following their directions. Fail. Close garage door to muffle continual beeping.

8:37 Realize probable cause of battery death: failure to fully close passenger door while unloading groceries yesterday. Thought I got it with a hip-bump. Guess I didn’t.

9:35 Greet Subaru guys. Watch them, too, fail to disarm car alarm without electronics. Feel a little smug.

9:37 Experience temporary deafness when battery booster succeeds in pumping new life into battery -- and alarm/horn.

9:38 Get ride to work from teenage guy, Brian, trying to remain macho while driving minivan. Strategy: drive fast and listen to rap music. Results: not so good.

10:03 Arrive at work. Explain incident to coworkers. Enjoy a hearty chuckle until someone comments, “Good thing nothing was on fire, or you weren’t under water.” Realize morning could have been much, much worse.

12:17 Discuss lock failure with friends over lunch. Realize that there’s more than one lock switch on armrest of car. One is electronic, but other might be manual. If so, Houdini maneuver through trunk was unnecessary. (Good to know it can be done, though.) Make mental note to check with dealership about second lock switch.

2:21 Confer with Subaru by phone. Agree to replacement of stone-dead battery. Make plans to leave car overnight to have all tires replaced, since it needs doing before winter anyway. Cringe at tire prices. Consider driving in MN during bad weather with bad tires. Accept tire prices with a whimper. Forget to ask about locks.

2:26 Leave message for sparring partner canceling ritual Monday thrashing. Plan to jog instead.

5:15 Get ride home in courtesy shuttle driven by teenage guy, Derek, trying to remain earnest and friendly while apologizing for traffic delay (he was due at 5:00). Strategy: 20 minutes of earnestly friendly small talk and copious turn signal usage. Results: excellent.

5:38 Forget again to ask about locks. Make mental note to ask tomorrow when retrieving car.

6:00 Jog, blog, and grog.

Yep, that’s my Monday for you. How was yours?

Today around the world: August 30 is the Festival of the Tooth for Buddhists. According to Buddhanet, “Kandy is a beautiful city in Sri Lanka. On a small hill is a great temple which was especially built to house a relic of the Buddha -- his tooth. The tooth can never be seen, as it is kept deep inside many caskets. But once a year in August, on the night of the full moon, there is a special procession for it.”

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