06/28/04’s illustrious band:

Bottle of Fries

Brought to you by Eric Schlosser, author of Fast Food Nation.

So there I was yesterday, sitting on my deck, reading . . . then ducking back inside to put on SOCKS and SHOES and a SWEATSHIRT! What the heck is up with this whacked-out weather, man? It was the last weekend in June, and I put the blanket back on my bed.

But anyway. Back to FFN. This book is a good, old-fashioned, muckraking expose of the fast food industry. It covers everything from how the automobile has changed the American diet to the rags-to-riches stories of the heads of the largest chains to the political machinations of Big Food to -- and here’s perhaps the scariest part -- how the “food” is actually prepared. As in, what’s actually in the “burgers” and how the fries get their golden color and crispy texture.

You can tell by my use of quotation marks that the answers aren’t something you want to hear, especially on an empty stomach -- or one that’s full of fast food. The short answer is, most of the aromas and flavors come from little bottles of chemicals distilled by white-coated scientists in New Jersey. As for what’s in the burgers . . . well, I haven’t actually read that chapter yet, but I’ll let you know. I’m working my way up to it. And, I suspect, to veganism.

Changing the subject: Everyone who’s been listening to me complain that there ain’t no cure for the debit card blues can now heave a massive sigh of relief. Card delivered. Crisis canceled.

What happened was, my debit card expired at the end of May. It’s essentially a credit card that draws funds from my checking account. I expected a new card to arrive around mid-month, since I received a notice about it in the mail. But it never came. And never came and never came. End of May, no new card, and by then the old one had expired.

To make a long story shorter and considerably less profane, I called the credit card company a couple different times to tell them that I never received my card, please cancel the lost one and send a new one. Will do, they said. But still no card in my mailbox. Then finally last week I got a credit card rep who informed me that I needed to be talking to the bank that issued the card, not to the credit card crew; they just recorded my “lost card” report.

OH, REALLY! And no one thought to mention this during the past 6 weeks? So I called the bank and chewed some serious heinie. Result: The new card was delivered to me in person at work today. And I’ve been charged $25 for the privilege. Yeah. Next time I inconvenience someone this thoroughly, remind me to demand payment for it.

But I’m happy to have this resolved, really. I’m no longer relying on checks to make purchases, which is a relief since so many places don’t accept them any more. I’m also not using my actual credit card for purchases, which is a relief since now I won’t rack up interest on the balance. I’ll be able to withdraw cash and make deposits at ATMs again instead of having to drive the 15+ miles to the nearest branch of my little credit union. Most importantly, however, I have updated my eBay account with the new card’s information and can now resume bidding on out-of-print CDs. Priorities, man. Gotta have priorities.

Today around the world: June 28 is the birthday of Kuan Kung, the god of war, in Taiwan. It’s also World War I Day in the U.S. War, war, war.

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