02/03/04’s illustrious band:

Alfred Come Home

Brought to you by my fervent desire for a butler.

Yeah, I want a butler. Specifically, I want a butler like Alfred, the faithful servant of Bruce Wayne/Batman. Batman’s Alfred does everything from the day-to-day running of the millionaire’s household to screening potential dating partners to administering M.D.-caliber first aid -- all while helping conceal his employer’s secret identity and keeping the Batmobile buffed to a high shine.

I may not have a vast estate to maintain or a pointy-eared mask to polish, here are just a few of the ways Alfred could pitch in around Sensational Acres:

• Become Catman. If Alfred worked for me, he’d have the privilege of attending to the needs of my feline companions. He could keep their litter box spic-and-span and their bowls filled with just the right amount of dietarily correct food. He could keep fresh catnip toys in rotation. And he could drive the cats to their vet visit, wait outside the clinic for 25 minutes in a blizzard for a staff member to show up, and then drive them home again and reschedule the appointment for later in the week. This is what I spent my pre-office hours doing yesterday. Long-suffering Alfred would not have begrudged the wait.

  
  

• Write now. Alfred could also lend me a hand with my correspondence. Stern missives are needed for several names on my fecal roster. The phone company, which STILL has not fixed my DSL outage, is at that top of that list. Number two, in more ways than one, is my ex-husband; a collection letter with his name on it recently arrived at my address. I’m sure Alfred could set all these knotheads straight. No one can explain the rules of acceptable behavior quite as . . . clearly as a British butler can.

  
  

• Phone it in. And while we’re on the subject of my DSL problem, I’d like Alfred to take over call-for-help duty. In addition to the hours I spent on the phone with a help tech last Tuesday, I spent another 48 minutes, most of it on hold, later in the week. The call was eventually terminated for no reason, with no warning. I’d be willing to pay Alfred to handle that sort of nonsense for me -- or, better yet, to just fix the dang thing himself. And to research cable modem options so we could eschew the phone company altogether.

  
  

• Pay the piper. Alfred would also have been a helpful stand-in over the weekend, when my plumbing problems reasserted themselves. Once again I had to take time off work to open the manor doors for the sewer guy. When he was unsuccessful at clearing the problem on Friday, I had to give him a key and trust him to return on Saturday while I was away at class. He did so, with a steam jet to melt the frozen clog, and things seem to be fine, knock on e-wood. Had Alfred been around, he probably could have taken care of the trouble himself with a snorkel and a blowtorch. He’s a resourceful guy.

  
  

• Blow it off. I’d put Alfred in charge of snow removal at Sensational Acres, too. Of the hour I spent running the snow blower this morning, at least 15 minutes was devoted the start-up process. I’m sure Alfred would master the intricacies of choke, primer, starter, and fuel much more quickly than I did, leaving me free to sleep in.

  
  

• Shoe me out the door. It’s a documented fact that I am not a morning Media Sensation. Not at my best before that first cup of strong tea. I proved this once again by arriving at the office today without my shoes. Oh, sure, I had my snow boots on, but I had forgotten to bring along dress shoes to complement my business attire. Alfred would never let me leave for work so sartorially unprepared. (Today’s remedy: T’ai Chi to the rescue! Fortunately, I was able to grab my tennies out of my workout bag.)
  
• Feed me. In addition to dressing me for work in the mornings, Alfred would be responsible for packing me a lunch. It would be a hearty, nutritious meal high in flavor and low in saturated fat. And it would be something different every day, not the same thing for a week or two the way I’m doing it now. Of course, in order to produce this gourmet fare, Alfred would have to be in charge of the shopping as well. I’m willing to delegate.

  
  

• Make a date. Alfred, in his infinite care of Bruce Wayne, has been known to offer educated opinions on his master’s lady friends, and even to suggest suitable companions when Bruce’s shy demeanor leaves him alone (except for the company of his youthful and attractive ward, Dick Grayson) on a Saturday night. I could definitely use Alfred’s services in this area. Why should I spend my time trying to figure out where the boys are when Uncle Al already knows at least two lonely, idly rich gentlemen near my age?

  
  

• Drive Miss Media. I spend a lot of time in my car. It’s a nice car and I like it, but given the choice, I’d rather pass the rush hours in a comfy chair with a good book in hand. With Alfred on hand to chauffeur me, I could have the best of both worlds: enjoying fine literature while still getting where I had to go.

  
  

Oh yes, I could easily keep a butler occupied. He could do all the scut work, freeing up my valuable time for more reading, more writing, more martial arts, and occasional travel. Heck, with Alfred taking care of all those chores, I might even have time for the second and third jobs I’d need to pay his salary. Is anyone hiring?

Today around the world: February 3 or 4 is Setsubun in Japan. This involves throwing beans on the floor, which is something I enjoy doing anyway. Fortunately, the part of the festival involving burning dried sardine heads is no longer popular.

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