01/28/04’s illustrious band:

System Backup

Brought to you by the joys and sorrows of homeownership.

Only dealing with the phone company could make sewer repairs seem like a pleasure by comparison.

Friday morning, I noticed that the tub drained somewhat slowly after my shower. “Have to keep an eye on that,” I thought. Saturday I indulged in a bubble bath following a long but pleasant day of attending martial arts classes and music performances. This time the tub drained with excruciating slowness, even after I dumped in a few gallons of Drano. Same thing on Sunday morning, plus the garbage disposal backed up into the tub, spewing month-old potato chowder in a two-foot radius. My thoughts changed to prayers: “Please, God, keep my toilet safe. Deliver me from having to call a plumber on a Sunday.”

Well, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. My toilet continued to flush, but my Internet connection was possessed by demons on Sunday and would not function. That’s a fair trade in my book, but I still hoped to get both situations rectified quickly.

On Monday morning, I called the sewer repair place first thing. They promised to dispatch their best guy, who happens to be my next door neighbor Al, the following day at noon. I could eat a leisurely lunch at Sensational Acres while Al power-snaked my pipes. Problem #1 was on the way to solution.

To address Problem #2, I called Qwest, the phone company that provides my high-speed Internet connection. A voice menu shunted me into the “hold” queue for five minutes. Then a live person came on and asked me to repeat all the information I had just entered via the numeric keypad. I complied and explained my troubles. She shunted me into the next holding pattern, where I remained for 15 minutes. When someone finally came on the line, he crisply informed me that my problem could not possibly be Qwest’s fault and I really needed to call MSN, my ISP. Bye!

You can already see where this is leading, right?

So I went home at lunch on Tuesday, welcomed Al and his power snake, and figured I’d quickly call MSN while he roto-rooted away.

112 minutes, 37 seconds later

The problem is Qwest’s fault. The MSN tech support guy stayed on the line with me through great noise and consternation, patiently trying dozens of fancy tricks to revive my Internet service. None of them worked. He consulted with someone even more knowledgeable than himself, which makes the second guy pretty danged smart. And they found that there was a glitch in the Qwest connectivity hardware somewhere. Not my fault. Qwest’s fault. MSN has notified Qwest of the problem, which should be fixed by Thursday night, and MSN apologizes sincerely for the inconvenience.

To reiterate: Qwest caused the problem, blew me off, and passed the buck. MSN diagnosed the problem, initiated a solution, and issued an apology. Yet Qwest gets 87% of the money I pay for their joint services each month. And that, my friends, is why Qwest and other legal monopolies are at the top of my fecal roster today.

I got off the phone with MSN just as Al was finally winding up his snake to go home. It was a tough job, as the clog was far from the house, but he completed it with good humor. He was pleased to inform me that there would be no need to dig up the front lawn to access the pipes, as he had originally feared. The power-snaking cost me $X; the dig would have cost me $20X. So Al is my sewer savior. Thanks be to Al.

Everything else is going well, although it’s wicked cold around here. We’re very busy at Award-Winning Magazine HQ, which is why I haven’t had brainpower to spare for blogging in the past few days. But don’t think I’ve forgotten you, loyal readers! Oh no. You’re not getting off that easily.

Today around the world: January 28 is Democracy Day in Rwanda.

E-mail the Media Sensation: BandNameoftheDay@hotmail.com

Visit the BND archives at http://jugglernaut.blogspot.com.