08/15/03’s illustrious band:

Toad Colon

Brought to you by my literary hero James Lileks (www.lileks.com).

“Toad’s colon” is Lileks’ genteel euphemism for “rat’s @$$.” As in, “I don’t give a toad’s colon who the Vikings picked in the first draft.” Works for me. You get so distracted contemplating the intricacies of amphibian digestion that you forget all about the original topic of conversation -- which may be just what the speaker intended.

Speaking of colons reminds me of a press release received at Media Headquarters this morning. It reads, in part:

90% of all sickness and disease begins in an

UNCLEAN COLON!

Since "Death begins in the colon," you should find out HOW to clean your colon.

Toxins and waste build up in your colon just like they do in the pipes of your home. Both demand immediate attention or the results can be disastrous!

Etc., etc. The document offers access to colon-cleansing techniques, but I passed on that.

Well! I’d always wondered about the origins of mortality. Now if we could just figure out how death ends, we’d be all set.

Doesn’t it just make you want to run around flapping your hands and squawking, “Unclean!! Unclean!!”?

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