08/06/03’s illustrious band:

Beef and Other Seafood

Brought to you by a press release reading, in part: "A study just released by the Environmental Working Group reveals that PCB-contaminant levels in 7 in 10 farm-raised salmon are 16 times higher than those found in wild salmon -- and four times higher than those found in beef and other seafood."

Since when is beef seafood? Unless we're talking water buffalo or sea cows here.

And speaking of exotic edibles, if you’re in western South Dakota this week for the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, be sure to park your Harley at Uncle Tom’s Sandwich Stand just off exit 131 in the Badlands. (That’s my actual Uncle Tom. He lives in a cabin. No lie.) He’s selling buffalo burgers, buffalo sausage and regular beef burgers. You can wash them all down with an ice-cold sarsaparilla. Almost makes me wish I could take the Soup Group over there for lunch.

Even a buffalo burger is no match for the chocolate commode, though. For this we owe our thanks to The Other Amy, who has shown me a catalog of business gifts with some mind-boggling products inside. The Apple Cookie & Chocolate Co. (www.applecookies.com) caters to corporate gift buyers in the plumbing, construction, electrical and janitorial trades. You can order, for instance, cookies that come in a paint can, a plastic toolbox, an OSHA standard hard hat, a wooden crate, a wooden truck or van, rolled up inside architect’s plans or even jammed inside a section of plastic plumbing pipe (unused). Savvy bit of niche marketing, eh?

But wait! There’s more!

The second C in AC&C stands for chocolate, and boy, do they have chocolate.

• For the architect in your life, you can purchase milk chocolate T squares, triangles, compasses and protractors about the size of a Post-It note.
  
• For the electrician: chocolate electrical outlets and light bulbs.
  
• For the builder: chocolate nuts, bolts, hammers, nails, screws, tape measures, drills and other tools, bricks or tiny milk chocolate paint brushes with their bristles dipped in white chocolate.
  
• For the HVAC (heating/venting/air conditioning) professional: chocolate furnaces, vents, air conditioners, thermostats and fuses.
  
• For the janitor: chocolate vacuum cleaners, mops, buckets and coils of hose.
  
• And for the plumber: chocolate wrenches or sections of pipe . . . or wee chocolate commodes (lids up).

  
  

If you’re not satisfied with the prepackaged offerings, there’s a 5-page section of individual chocolate trinkets you can buy (100-piece minimum). These range from the abovementioned gear to vehicles, computer equipment, kitties and musical instruments to little chocolate disk brakes, brake pads, spark plugs and struts. I kid you not, chocolate disk brakes. If Santa tucked one of those into my Christmas stocking, I wouldn’t have the slightest idea what it was.

Just goes to show you, for every industry, there’s a corporate gift-giving opportunity. Suddenly, beef as seafood doesn’t sound so odd, does it?

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