03/21/03’s illustrious band:

The Belt of Self-Esteem

Brought to you by that odd guy at the gym.

At the gym the other day, some friends of mine spotted an oddly dressed guy working out. He was wearing what appeared to be a wrestling singlet, with a gold belt around the waist. Sort of a super-hero costume, but there was no cape, and it looked more like Wonder Woman’s swimsuit-type outfit than Superman’s full-body leotard. In other words, the man looked significantly out of place in a metro suburb. But he went about his exercise without a care in the world, oblivious to the raised eyebrows all around him.

The theory, then, was that the gold belt was some sort of charmed object, a talisman that granted the wearer special powers. You encounter these kinds of things if you play Dungeons & Dragons: enchanted weapons that confer superior fighting ability, magical cloaks of invisibility, boots of speed in which you can run like the wind, crystals that let you read minds.

For other examples, ask any actor, athlete or soldier who puts on a different attitude along with the costume or uniform. Actors become entirely different people when they dress in character. Baseball players are notorious for superstitiously investing their clothing and possessions with magical, luck-enhancing powers. And everyone from a marching band member to a Green Beret stands a little straighter, a little prouder, a little more determined when in uniform.

Workout Guy’s golden girder must have been a Belt of Self-Esteem, the wearing of which instilled enough confidence that he could go out dressed like a dorkwad with his chin held high. Most fashions are like this, if you think about it. Bellbottoms, for instance. No one could possibly wear those in public unless the bells concealed reservoirs of imperviability to normal aesthetic perception. Same thing goes for mullet haircuts -- there’s got to be extra moxie stashed under the mudflap. And leisure suits. Don’t you think there must have been tiny motivational speakers whispering pep talks from beneath those vast lapels?

I wear magical clothing all the time, myself. As usual, today I have on my Superior Sapphire Necklace, which conveys serious Girl Power. There’s also the Red T-Shirt of Motivation, crucial for getting lots of work done on a Friday, and my Anti-Harassment Belt, which prevents my jeans from plummeting and causing an unfortunate incident in the workplace. If I had an important meeting today, I’d trade them for a Suit of Respectability and a Helmet of Serious Hair. At the moment I’m also sporting the Jacket of Not Freezing my @$$ Off. You can probably guess what that’s good for. (Not good enough, though. I had to drop and give myself 20 a few minutes ago just to restore circulation to my fingertips. Apparently when the executives flee the premises at noon on Fridays, they take the heat with them.) Like Workout Guy, I am dressed for success.

So you see? Sometimes the clothes do make the man. Or woman. Or transvestite.

E-mail the Media Sensation: jugglernaut@hotmail.com