03/12/03’s illustrious band:

Serious Play

Brought to you by a new toy trend in real-life action figures. Here are a couple more professions I hope to see roll off the assembly line in time for this year’s winter toy feeding frenzy.

• Chef Jeff (modeled after my Favorite Brother-in-Law): Comes with barbeque grill, grilling accessories and toy TV playing the Food Network’s cult hit program Iron Chef. Accessories: replacement propane tank for grill, all-meat cookbook, peel-n-stick tattoos, scale-model Harley Davidson motorcycle, and a fluffy kitten.
  
• Editor Edna: Comes with stylish reading glasses, pen and paper, computer, and removable carpal tunnel wrist brace. Accessories: Amazon.com coffee mug, ergonomically unhelpful chair with posture cushion that won’t stay in place.
  
• Martial Artie: Comes with gi (white pajama-like outfit), white belt, breakable boards and mat for practicing falls. And a kung fu grip, of course. Push the button in Artie’s back to hear him kiai! Accessories: replacement belts in various colors available for purchase at six-month intervals.
  
• Professor Pat: Comes with baggy khakis, tweed jacket, secondhand briefcase, stacks of ungraded student papers. (Professor Pat is gender-neutral, since subjecting others to one’s own sexuality would be politically incorrect on campus.) Accessories: coffee mug, single-gear bicycle, secret cache of mass-market fiction, voodoo doll of the chairperson of Pat’s department.
  
• Record Store Clerk Rhonda: Comes with black band logo/hipster quip T-shirt, backstage passes to local concerts, tiny little minimum-wage paycheck. Accessories: extensive collection of music you’ve never heard of. And you never will, because you’re SO UNCOOL!
  
• Yoga Yolanda (fully poseable, of course!): Comes with roll-up yoga mat, water bottle with its own carrying strap and real sandalwood incense. Accessories: a skillion different lycra outfits, tote bag for mat, meditation cushion, yoga books and videos, CDs of yogariffic music, vegetarian cookbook, and many, many more!
  

Who am I missing?

E-mail the Media Sensation: jugglernaut@hotmail.com