12/12/02’s illustrious band:

Cabinet Vest

Brought to you by an L.L. Bean online promotion: "Bathroom cabinet meets fly-fishing vest." Say what?

This thing is a portable “cabinet,” or personal organizer, that you can hang in the bathroom or wherever. It has lots of pouches and pockets and zippers like a fishing vest. And it's monogrammable! A nifty little gadget for travel, no doubt.

Nice combo: household item + clothing. I’m looking for Toaster Socks myself. They keep your feet warm but pop you out if things heat up too much. And Sprinkler Pants, which wet themselves on hot days. How ‘bout a Hoover Truss that literally sucks in your gut for you?

The all-time best invention, though, would have to be Post-It Hose. Instead of the pinch-you-in-half waistband, the top section of this panty hose would gently adhere to your abdomen, holding up your stockings without producing pain or digestive distress. Unstick it to attend to personal business, then simply press back into place when you’re done. Or, if you don’t want the on-again/off-again panty top, just the leg-only kind, you’d use the kind with stronger adhesive, like the kind used to keep a nicotine or estrogen patch in place. Not as sexy as garters, maybe, but a darn sight more comfortable.

Come to think of it, I don’t understand why certain clothes don’t already come with built-in body glue. I know pageant contestants have long used spray adhesive to keep the swimsuit portion of the competition PG, but my product would be part of the garment itself. It would be perfect for strapless evening gowns, for shirttails that you want to keep tucked in, for undershirt cuffs so they don’t ride up when you pull the sweater on over top, for loose blouses that fall open when you lean over.

Hmm. Garment Glue™ would have to adhere to skin without irritating, yet be peel-off-able and not degrade after contact with skin oils. And as long as we’re going this far, why not use the adhesive as a drug-delivery medium, as with the nicotine or hormone patch? I know clothing companies in Asia have recently begun marketing undergarments saturated with anti-aging formulas, so I could do the same thing. Of course, I would have to watch out for unscrupulous knock-offs that delivered illegal drugs via my proprietary adhesive. That would give butt crack a whole new meaning.