Woo Who?

Brought to you by my occasional, usually easily squelched curiosity about how the other half lives.

Yesterday while browsing at B&N, I spotted the 'It's Just Lunch' Guide to Dating in the Twin Cities. Hmm. I actually picked up the book and looked at it. I've been date-free for quite some time and relatively glad to be so. Reason: I have a gift for attracting complete losers.

I had a Match.com profile up for a couple years after I got divorced, and at no time did it lure a man I would consider an acceptable dating partner. Not a single one. Much-vaunted Harmony.com yielded exactly zero matches over three expensive months. My Soup Group-subsidized foray into speed dating was a fiasco as well, but at least I got a few stories about it.

Perhaps it's all my fault. Admittedly, my standards are high. By "acceptable" I mean

• heterosexual (Mark)

  
  

• has own mode of transportation (Mike)

  
  

• tells me the same name he signs on the credit card bill at dinner (Jeff/Geoff/Greg)

  
  

• posts his own photo in his online profile (Jeff/Geoff/Greg)

  
  

• does not spit in my driveway (Clark)

  
  

• does not spend an entire Christmas party comparing VW mileage with a nerdy coworker while ignoring me completely (Clark)

  
  

• does not share all his bisexual S&M fantasies in the first e-mail ("Spike")

  
  

• not a professional ticket scalper (Jason)

  
  

• does not have a handlebar mustache (Brad)

  
  

• lives somewhere other than with his parents (Brad)

  
  

• does not send me a photo of himself in his parents' attic with his hand down his pants (Brad)

  
  

• doesn't feel obliged to point out that he "never hits women even when they deserve it" (Brad)

  
  

• not married (probably more than I think)
  

Picky picky? Damn right. I don't play hard to get, I am hard to get. And I'm willing to hold out for the fantastic man I deserve.

Yet I still occasionally feel as if I ought to want to date. Securing a mate is, after all, the primary burning desire of the unattached female, right? Riiiiight. So I think about throwing my garter belt back into the ring. Immediately I tense up, start glowering, and have to abandon the idea until my blood pressure comes down. This can take weeks. Sometimes months. In the meantime, the already mated — that would be pretty much everyone I know — give me sympathetic looks and encourage me to hang in there.

Feeling brave yesterday, however, I looked at the Guide. Gave it the old college try. The book is full of cheery chapters on topics such as attitudes to cultivate toward dating, places to go to pick up dates, places to go to get in the mood for dates, places to go on dates, things to do on dates, things not to do on dates, signals to look for from your dates.

But for some reason I cannot find the chapter on meeting heterosexual, available, financially stable men in their mid- to late 30s and getting them to talk to a woman of similar age and circumstance. The only piece of advice I could actually use doesn't seem to have made it into the book. And believe me, I do need help in this area! My friends don't know any single guys to hook me up with, the T'ai Chi studio is notably short on eligible bachelors, and I don't have the patience to hang around grocery and hardware stores looking hopeful.

Of course, I could always sign up for the It's Just Lunch dating service, a "specialized dating service for busy professionals. We minimize stress and maximize efficiency by sending people on casual dates over lunch, brunch, or drinks after work." You tell them what you like and they handpick dates for you. Sounds good, right? But the web site doesn't tell you what the fee is, and I'm pretty sure this service ain't free.

So. Do I try this one or not? What's a date worth? Am I willing to give up any free time for this? Do I need the annoyance? Would I even get any annoyance — would anybody seem like a match for me? Do I really want to try dating again, or would I just be doing it for the blog fodder? Are there, in fact, any decent catches left in my age group, or should I just be patient and wait for their first wives to start dying off? I'm ambivalent. Help me out here.

Photos today? YES

Today around the world: August 5 is National Children's Day in Tuvalu.