Saints Day

Brought to you by my employer, who took us out to the ball game for a company outing this past weekend.

I have now seen Saints come marching in — the St. Paul Saints, our local not-quite-prime time baseball team. Saints games are always entertaining, not because of the baseball, but because of the goofy stunts and promotions sprinkled liberally between innings and changeovers. I'm not sure whether this is due to the influence of one of the team's owners, actor/SNL alumnus/all around banjo sexy dude Bill Murray, or just a way of boosting interest in an otherwise low-hype team. Or maybe it has something to do with each stunt being sponsored by a vendor of some kind.

We witnessed, in no particular order:

• Human bowling for yogurt: People inside human-sized gerbil exercise balls ran down the baselines to knock over bottom-weighted inflatable yogurt shake bottles. When one runner got too far ahead, the yogurt staff moved the bottles farther and farther away. Sponsor: yogurt vendor.

  
  

• Chicken dance competition: A woman and a boy from the audience competed to see whose chicken dance earned greater audience approval. (The kid won, of course.) Sponsor: chicken company.

  
  

• Coupons for pizza if a certain opposing player struck out (he never did). Sponsor: pizza place.

  
  

• Catch the meatball: gift certificates to an Italian restaurant for the audience member who caught the big meatball (a beach ball with appropriate surface details). Sponsor: restaurant.

  
  

• Chase the child: a guy in a mad scientist outfit chasing some lucky kid around the bases. The kid had a one-base head start and won by a nose. Not sure what the prize was. Sponsor: I didn't catch this one.

  
  

• Tire rolling contest: two teams of two lucky kids each rolling colored tires for prizes. Again, not sure what prizes. Sponsor: tire retailer.

  
  

• A taco-eating contest. Three lucky audience dudes vied for a year's supply of Taco Bell. (If I'd won, about half a dozen tacos would constitute a year's supply.) The winner downed about a dozen in less than a minute. Sponsor: Taco Bell.

  
  

• Recognition of student achievement: a middle school student was recognized, albeit unintelligibly, for great attendance, citizenship, and attitude. Sponsor: possibly the kid's school, possibly the baseball team itself, possibly some other entity.

  
  

• Karaoke "with a real live Japanese guy:" as advertised. An Asian gentleman belted out "Witch Doctor" while the crowd attempted to sing along. That didn't seem quite PC to me. Sponsor: not sure.

  
  

• Scrubs: The home team played in pink hospital scrub shirts instead of blue baseball jerseys. Sponsor: scrub retailer.

  
  

• What's in the Bag? A Let's Make a Deal-style "guess which is better" game. An audience member won a DVD set of a popular TV show (Scrubs, of course) rather than a less valuable gift certificate to a grocery store. Sponsor: grocery store.

  
  

• A beer stein race: Two guys raced to see who could fill a pitcher with beer, one stein's worth at a time. Sponsor: beer vendor(s).

  
  

• Drag: Three guys came out to drag the baseline paths dressed in very, very bad drag. Very bad. Sponsor: I'd like to say it was the local drag clothing emporium, but I think this one was just for kicks.

  
  

• A nun giving shoulder massages. Sponsor: God.

  
  

• A live pig: Saint, the team's mascot. Why is Saint a pig? I don't know. Sponsor: American Pork Council?

  
  

• A face painter strolling the stands in cape and painted-on mask requiring people to bow in her presence. Sponsor: Saints organization.

  
  

• Numerous birthday announcements. Sponsors: several companies' names displayed on scoreboard during announcements.

  
  

• And more, I'm sure.

Oh, and let's not forget the announcer hollering, "Train!" whenever a choo-choo passed the outfield fence — at least half a dozen times during the game I saw, probably more.

Our event kicked off with a tailgate party on the lawn. A pair of Saints players showed up to autograph the free caps we all received, but since neither of them actually played in the game, we joked that they probably weren't real Saints at all — maybe overgrown bat boys or out-of-work hockey players. I looked them up later, though, and found I'd met two of the team's 12 pitchers, Bryan Gaal (#27) and Darren Truty (#41). I'm no baseball expert, but does that seem like a lot of pitchers to anyone else?

Anyway, the outing was a big hit. The Saints trounced the Gary (IN) Railcats 6-3. (What the heck is a railcat?) I'd be happier today if I had managed to grab the sunscreen instead of the bug spray on my way to the ballpark, but I'm sure the glow will fade in a few days.

Today around the world: June 13 is Shavu'ot (Pentecost) in Judaism.