Kumquat Sasquatch

Brought to you by a stroll in the sun.

"Kumquat Sasquatch" is a term dreamed up by Lionel Essrog, the Tourettic protagonist of the superb novel Motherless Brooklyn (thanks for the tip, General). He uses it to describe an enormous, kumquat-eating assassin, whom almost no one else sees, leading him to doubt whether the man is really there.

So it was with my trip to Tucson these past few days. At times, I doubted whether I was really there. The weather, when my plane landed, was not much different from what I'd left: rainy, chilly, grey, upper 50s. I met up with Sister-san, Chef Jeff, and Princess J, whom I'd last seen in my own home. I had a novel with me to pass the time between sessions of the business conference I was attending. Same information, same diversion as on a usual day. Had I really left Sensational Acres and Media HQ?

Yes, as it turned out, I had. I could tell by the dryness of the air, the lowness of the buildings, the whiteness of the cars, the impassioned throb of Mexitechnopop on my rental Kia's radio, the Kia itself -- signs of desert, not of 10,000 lakes.

So I was there, and I was glad. I got to spend some time with family too seldom seen. We went to the San Xavier Mission south of town for a blast from the past and the Biosphere 2 north of it for some cutting-edge science. These were very interesting attractions, but they could not compare with Princess J's first encounter with pureed carrots. Moments before, she'd been bouncing on my knee, kicking her feet and grasping at danglies with her hands. And then the carrots showed up. All. Motion. Stopped. She had not yet reached this taste in her quest to put everything in the world into her mouth. You could see new synapses forming as she processed the orange, slimy information. She accepted several bites before fussing the spoon away, putting her a least one serving of vegetables ahead of the rest of the family.

The Princess and her entourage took off just in time for me to get down to work. Map in hand, I beetled off to my conference. Call me a big nerd -- because I skipped a sci-fi convention to attend this thing -- but I found the conference exciting. Surrounded by the latest research on the effects of nutrition on health, snacking on green tea and walnuts, manufacturing vitamin D between sessions (by lying in the sun beside the pool), dining on spa cuisine and PowerPoint presentations . . . there are worse ways to spend a few days.

Here's one, though: eating tofu. Tofu is icky. I have proof. I know you don't like it, so don't tell me you do. I don't care how healthful the stuff is supposed to be; no amount of sauce or marinade can compensate for that rubbery texture. The worst moment of my stay occurred when I discovered that tofu was the main dish at the otherwise spectacular breakfast on Tuesday. Thank god I had remembered to grab a cinnamon roll before leaving my hotel.

Interesting as it all was, there's no place like home. It's good to be back at Sensational Acres with my cats and my friends nearby. Spring is in the air at last, always a welcome light at the end of the winter tunnel. I have seen the Kumquat Sasquatch, and here's what he had to say:

• Don't drink soda or eat fried food.
  
• Do eat fruits and vegetables and take vitamins.
  
• Don't eat tofu for breakfast, or any other time if you can help it.
  
• Watch out for pureed carrots.
  
• Exercise.
  
• Have a little chocolate now and then.
  
• Wear sunscreen.
  
• Read Motherless Brooklyn.
  

Today around the world: March 10 is Commonwealth Day in Dominica, Dry Season Celebration in Myanmar/Burma/my hair, and Harriett Tubman Day in the U.S.