Today's illustrious band:

Three-Year Sandwich

Brought to you by the United States Army.

According to Salon.com, Army researchers are hard at work on the formula for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that will last up to three years in the field. (Read the full story at http://www.salon.com/people/wire/2002/10/29/army_sandwich/index.html?x.) The sandwich has to withstand extremes of time and temperature without decomposing, yet still taste — and stick to the roof of the mouth — like real PB&J. It will pack about 325 calories and join other MRE marathoners like the pepperoni sandwich and the barbecue chicken sandwich in soldiers' field packs sometime around 2006. The sandwiches are "designed to be as resilient as the troops they feed," surviving a minimum of three years at 80 degrees or six months at 100 degrees, without refrigeration or excessive use of chemical preservatives.

Here's a thought: Why not just borrow the formula of Twinkies instead? Just trade the yellow cake and white filling for peanut buttery cake and grape jelly filling, et voila! A troop-pleasing snack with proven staying power. May I have my patent now, please?

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The news on being on the news: My 15 seconds of fame have been rescheduled yet again. The latest report is that the handyman spot filmed at Sensational Acres on Oct 2 is supposed to air on Nov. 29, the Friday after Thanksgiving. Same bat time, same bat channel as before. Let's not hold our breath, though.