This Is the Day

On the eighth day, God created quartets. I’m convinced of this after a few viewings of the new concert DVD from Ernie Haase & Signature Sound. Me, digging southern gospel music? It’s true. What’s also true is that while all quartets are unique, they all seem to be alike in some ways. Here’s what I think happened on Day 8. See if it reminds you of anybody:

And He said unto them, "There shall be four of thee, and thou shalt lift thy voices in song. Be thou neither flat nor sharp, but always on key. Thy harmonies will bring joy to the heart and tears to the eye.

"Thou shalt array thyselves onstage according to thy parts, and the highest shall be rightmost and the lowest shall be leftmost. The smallest among thee shall be unexpectedly sexy, while the tallest shall have dimples. Thy baritones shall possess crinkly eyes and thy tenors shall possess crinkly hair. And yea though the highest be the leader of thy group, the lowest shall steal the show.

"Fear thou not the striped fabric, for it shall gladden the eye while thy voices gladden the ear. Disdain thou not the synchronized slide-step, for it enhanceth thy esteem in the minds of the many. High-five thy brother when he hath riffed mightily, for he deserveth thy praise. But eschew the milk of the cow before a performance, lest thou be overcome with phlegm. Drink thee instead of pure water, that it may hydrate thy pipes.

"Thou shalt hold thy microphones left-handed so that thy wedding rings glint in the stage lights. Hear Me, my sons! Be thou willing to sign album covers and photographs in the lobby after the show, but give thee not of thy favors. No matter how thou art mobbed by willing maidens, cleave unto thy wives, or there shall be gossip, backlash, disease, and a decline in sales.

"Harken unto Me and do as I have commanded. And don't forget to thank Me in thy liner notes."