10/29/03’s illustrious band:

Thanks a Million

Brought to you by my vain hopes of winning the lottery. But a girl can dream!

Let’s say I won a $50 million jackpot. Woo-hoo! I’d be set for life!

Or would I? My parents raised me to share and to give a little back to those who have given to me. So let’s see how far $50 mil really goes.

First off, I’d give $7.5M each to Mother Media and Sister-san. They deserve it. I don’t want either of them to have to worry about anything ever again. (Knowing them, however, they’d both give away all but about $10,000. But that’s their problem.) $15M down, $35M to go.

Next, I’d donate 10%, or $5M, to my favorite local nonprofit charity, and 10% to a more far-reaching project like ending world hunger. Can’t go wrong there. Good causes, good karma. That leaves me with $25M.

Let’s say I gave $1M to each of my aunts, uncles and first cousins. That’s $7M for aunts and uncles so they can all take early, worry-free retirement. Add $13M for cousins , who will use the money to pay off their student loans and educate their own children. That’s a total of $20M more kept in the family. No worries. I still have $5M.

How about $1M each for the fine institutions that provided me with an education? BFHS, USD and UMe can all name buildings after me. “Media Sensation Memorial Library” has a nice ring, doesn’t it? And I still have $2M with which to dress nice for the dedication ceremonies.

Well, hold on; let’s establish a couple scholarship funds, too. Dad would have wanted me to. That’ll cost me another $.5M, but I do value education. A third ($.5 M) of my remaining $1.5M will still be plenty to pay off Sensational Acres and set aside funds for property taxes (or even a bigger estate!), and still buy a mighty fine diamond -- er, better make that rhinestone -- tiara.

So I’ve still got $1M to retire on, which I plan to do just as soon as I cash in my ticket. I’ll probably be 35 years old by the time the paperwork is completed. Since I’ll be wealthy to afford the best medical care and long-term insurance, I expect to live at least to the age of 85 and, given the longevity of women in my family, probably beyond. That’s a minimum of 50 more years. So I can pay myself . . . $20,000 a year?

Wait a minute! That’s less money than I make now! I can’t retire on $20K a year! Whose bright idea was that?

OK, OK, so I don’t retire right away. Let’s say I work until I’m 55. I can still pay myself $33,333.33 per year. But that’s not an upper-class wage in 2003 dollars, let alone 2023 dollars. If I work ‘til I’m 65, I’ll only have to support about 20 years of retirement, at a cost to my winnings of $50,000 per year. That won’t be as much fun as retiring at 35, but I’d be bored without a job, right? Still not a grand sum, but I’ll have my 401(k) and Social Security income by then, too. Well, better not count on Social Security the way things are going. But I’ll get by.

But wait! I’ve forgotten about all my friends! The ones who have heard me say that if I become a multimillionaire, all my friends get to be millionaires, too. Let’s say I pick 10 of them to receive $1M each. Which 10, though? That’ll be a tough choice. Somebody’s going to get left out. And that $10M has to come from somewhere. Maybe I only give half a million to my aunts and uncles and cousins; that’d save $10M right there. But then they’d accuse me of valuing family less than friends, and that’s no good.

I suppose I could skip the charities, because charity begins at home, right? But that would mean bad karma for sure. Maybe if I just scale back those donations to half as much. Then I’d have $5M to give to my friends. I’d either have to give $1M to only 5 people, ticking off the rest, or $.5M to 10 people, ticking off all those who thought they’d been promised a million even. And those who weren’t sure they made the top ranks might start bumping off those higher on the list to assure themselves a spot, which would get awfully messy . . .

Forget it, you leeches! Go buy your own dang lottery tickets!

E-mail the Media Sensation: BandNameoftheDay@hotmail.com

Visit the BND archives at http://jugglernaut.blogspot.com.