10/01/03’s illustrious band:

Spambassador

Today’s reading is our monthly reading from the Book of Spam.

Did you know there’s such a thing as a Spammobile? Of course there is. Looks like a can of you-know-what on wheels, with a great big smiley face painted on the front. Here’s what the experts have to say about this latest development in processed meat motility:

“The touring representative of Spam-laden goodwill, the Spammobile tours concerts, sporting events, fairs, and other events in the United States. This amazing vehicle was created from a trolley car chassis in Fresno, CA; it is the world’s first Spam luncheon meat can on wheels.

“Highly trained Spambassadors travel with the vehicle, which is also a mobile kitchen. They prepare and serve miniature Spamburger Hamburgers to the waiting crowds at each stop.

“As of May 2002, three Spammobile vehicles have been touring the nation. If you haven’t been lucky enough to find one in your area, pictures and a schedule of future appearances are available on the Spam website -- www.spam.com.”

Highly trained Spambassadors? There’s a resume-builder of a job for you. I wonder what Spambassador training consists of, and how long it takes. What are the qualifications? “Successful applicant will possess strong customer-service skills and desire to bring the joy of jelly-covered meat byproducts to the people. Must have valid driver’s license.”

Spambassadors probably have to memorize long lists of facts about Spam and attend seminars on the importance of positive attitudes and good air fresheners. They also have to learn how to prepare and serve miniature Spamburgers to waiting crowds, requiring crossover skills in the food service area. And I’m sure there’s at least one anger management course in there for the days when people just won’t quit cutting off the Spammobile on the freeway.

Suddenly my friends’ stints as Chuck E. Cheese and the Easter Bunny are sounding pretty glamorous. Even my ill-fated summer job at Wall Drug (546.31 miles from Sensational Acres) stacks up pretty favorably compared to Spambassadorship. Of course, I didn’t get to drive the company car.

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