illustrious band for the extra-cool date 01/02/03:

Brad Tidings

Brought to you by Brad, with a little help from Sister-san and Brother-in-Law-san.

First of all, let me just say howdy and welcome back. To all those who instructed me to have happy holidays and enjoy my vacation: Mission accomplished! A weeklong sojourn at Mother Media’s house, followed by a few days of kick-back time at Sensational Acres, has left me rested and ready to tackle a new year. Santa and my family and friends spoiled me with gifts, including a garment steamer and a self-scooping cat litter box to keep my clothes and nose unwrinkled in 2003.

I rang in the new year with Señor Editor and company, where I was introduced to Crack Balls (a dense, dark paste of ground-up Oreos mixed with a wee bit of sour cream and rolled into 1-inch balls, then covered in white chocolate; named for their powerful addictive properties), and to such musical gems as “The Feminine Hygiene Song” and a ditty about the King featuring the line “Elvis needs boats.”

But the real joy of the holidays comes, of course, from love. And when I think of love, I think of Brad.

Brad is a guy who responded to a profile I posted with an online dating service eons ago. His response to my ad was (A) typed in all capital letters, which is considered “shouting” by the digerati; (B) badly spelled and grammatically challenged; (C) devoid of punctuation. However, the kicker, as it were, was the final line of his note. Referring to the martial arts hobbies I’d mentioned, he wrote, and I quote (with emphasis added):

I'D PROBUBLY KICK YOUR TAIL. BUT I NEVER HIT A WOMAN EVEN IF SHE DESERVES IT. THAT IS SOMETHING THAT IS JUST NOT RIGHT WITH ME

It’s so comforting to know that this Romeo has my best interests at heart.

As if this weren’t enough of a turn-on, Brad also supplied a link to his own personals ad, which included a picture of him. Unfortunately, my blog site does not support the addition of photos, or I’d post his here for all to admire. Key elements of the scene include a handlebar moustache, no shirt, a macramé necklace, unbuttoned jeans, one hand holding a beer and the other out of sight somewhere (Don’t look at the unbuttoned jeans. Don’t look! Awww, you looked, didn’t you.), and stereo equipment that was state-of-the-art in 1975. The shot appears to have been taken in Brad’s mother’s attic, where I suspect he lives. Further perusal of his profile reveals that he’s 45 years old, a mere 12 years my senior, and holds a job in retail sales.

You see now why I’m willing to try speed dating? It can’t be any worse than this.

Anyway, I did forward Brad’s photo to a few lucky souls, Sister-san and her husband among them. So I shouldn’t have been surprised to find a couple gifts under the faux fir bearing tags that read “from Brad.” The wrapping paper on the first was a Brad photomontage rendered in vivid hues by Sister-san’s color printer; the wrap on the second gift sported the same images in classy black and white. On each box was a clever [sic] poem in masculine handwriting that looked suspiciously like Brother-In-Law-san’s.

The first of these treasures -- can you guess? -- was a beautiful Christmas ornament, a life-size Budweiser can made of glass. Delicate, yet alcoholic. Now I can decorate next year’s tree with love. I’ve left it in its protective packaging to preserve its value as a collectible.

The second present was something with which to decorate myself for future dates: a ponytail scrunchie made of fake hair. Fake curly, brassy, auburn hair. My own hair, as you know, is sort of dark blonde/light brown, and still fairly short, so this little doo-dad will really . . . stand out. Until my hair grows out enough to make the scrunchie useful, I’ll just leave it in the playful care of my two cats.

These were, as you can imagine, a few of my favorite things from this year’s Christmas, and they’re on display here at Media HQ. I was truly, truly blessed this holiday season. Let’s all take a quiet moment right now to reflect on the generosity of friends and family. And to plot revenge.

And to answer the question everyone has been asking: YES, speed dating is a go! I got confirmation today that I’m on the ‘A’ list for an event next Thursday evening, and the Soup Group’s fundraising effort has supplied me with the full fee. While not quite giddy with anticipation just yet, I am looking forward to this adventure. Any suggestions on what to wear will be appreciated, as the Media Sensation remains fashion-impaired.