Today's illustrious band:

The Morals Clause

Brought to you by Ross Kirgiss, the Emmy award-winning consumer affairs reporter from KSTP.

Yes, Virginia, there is a morals clause.

Yesterday was the big day: Both Mr. Handyman and Mr. Kirgiss arrived at Sensational Acres in the afternoon. Tony the handyman set about completing the various repairs I've been saving up for him, and Ross the reporter hung out in my living room with me while Al the cameraman and Bao the intern collected some outdoor shots of Tony at work. There was also about a 3-minute stretch during which Bao asked me a few questions from behind the camera, with Ross occasionally throwing in one of his own. The news crew was there for about an hour, during which time Ross never removed his wool trenchcoat or appeared on camera, as far as I know. I imagine he'll do his bit at the studio or something.

But he and I did visit while the others were outside. We talked about, among other things, our respective journalistic jobs. Since he appears on the air, his image is of great importance, so much so that certain things about it are written into his contract. The TV station has the right to tell him how to dress and how to style his hair. I suspect his tan is also part of the package. If he gains weight or suffers a facially disfiguring injury, his job is in jeopardy. And the contract includes a morals clause, something I had doubted existed in the 21st century: If Ross is seen to behave in a fashion not in keeping with the station's morals, he can be fired.

Doesn't sound like much fun to me. I could turn into a pasty-faced, ill-dressed cousin of Jabba the Hut and then sue my employer if anyone so much as looked at me funny. I could maraud through the countryside raping and pillaging and not get fired from my job. I'm free to grow old and wrinkled, to dye my hair, to pierce whatever I please, to tattoo offensive images across my face if I want to. Mr. Kirgiss isn't. He's traded away some very personal freedoms in exchange for the perks his job brings him. I couldn't do that.

Anyway, the Sensational Acres spot is supposed to appear on tomorrow's 5:00 news on KSTP channel 5. Will someone please tape it for me? I'm not sure I remember how to set the VCR.

Editorial aside: Too bad pro athletes' contracts don't have a morals clause, eh? Then His Holiness Randy Moss might actually suffer some consequences for committing vehicular assault upon a traffic officer. The court doesn't appear inclined to hold him responsible for his actions — apparently his using his car to push a uniformed pedestrian half a block was a "misunderstanding," and the marijuana joint found in the vehicle probably wasn't his — but I'd still like to see somebody require him to act like an adult. I know, I know, but a girl can dream, can't she?


The Game: Day 4 instructions:
Imagine a storm in your landscape. Where is it? What's it doing?