Banjo Sexy

Brought to you by Steve Martin.

Steve Martin is so talented and so gosh-darned cool he can make even a bucktoothed instrument like the banjo sexy — and he does, if you've ever heard him play, or even just watched him standing there holding it. Dorky good times.

What makes a man banjo sexy? He should be some combination of smart, tall, funny, dorky, Trekkie, tragic, a cappella and kung fu, adding up to unexpected sex appeal.

Other men who are banjo sexy:

• Jackie Chan, Jet Li, and Chow Yun Fat. Kung fu is ever so sexy. They're all smart and funny, although not necessarily at the same time. Jackie sings, too, so he gets extra a cappella points. Tragically, none of them is tall.

  
  

• Spock and Data. Tall, smart, and Trekkie. Spock is tragic because he died (he's over it now), and Data is inadvertently funny.

  
  

• Sherlock Holmes. Tall, smart, and tragic. Trekkie tidbit: Holmes was portrayed on stage by Leonard Nimoy, the actor who played Spock, and on the Enterprise's holodeck by Data, a character who played at being an actor.

  
  

• Stephen Hawking. Smart and tragic, and it doesn't hurt that he's funny as heck. Trekkie tidbit: Hawking appeared as himself in an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation; he was on the holodeck playing poker with Data and some other famous scientists.

  
  

• Dan Bob Schumacher. Tall, smart, dorky, funny, and a cappella. The Bobs are not sexy as a group, but Dan Bob himself is. And you know he's gotta be a Trekkie.

  
  

• Ernie Haase and Signature Sound Quartet. Southern Gospel singers are not usually sexy, but somehow these boys manage (even though they're not a cappella). First of all, the guy's name is Ernie. Dude! Second, they usually talk about the five members of the quartet, because they include their pianist. Dorks. The boys and their gelled-for-Jesus hair are pretty funny, too. But my money is on pocket basso Tim Duncan. Body like Yoda, voice like Darth Vader. Not Trekkie, but I wouldn't mind a close encounter.

  
  

• Phil Hartman. Smart, funny, and tragically dead. Unlike Spock, Hartman has not gotten over it. He impersonated Isaac Asimov on Saturday Night Live, which while not Trekkie is still pretty dang sci-fi.

  
  

• The Kevins: Kline, Nealon, Spacey, Wright — tall-smart-funny, tall-dorky-funny, smart-funny-tragic, and dorky-a cappella, respectively. Nealon impersonated Kline on Saturday Night Live once, and I swear I've seen him in Spock ears at least once. He's now shilling for celebrity poker, which is tragic. Kline has hosted SNL twice.

  
  

• David Duchovny. Agent Mulder! Tall, smart, funny, dorky, Trekkie, tragic. His attempts at kung fu are both funny and tragic. He has hosted SNL twice. During the second appearance, he impersonated Jeff Goldblum.

  
  

• Jeff Goldblum. Tall, funny, dorky He has also hosted SNL twice.

  
  

• Ladysmith Black Mambazo. A cappella. Some of this multi-man ensemble are tall. On a tragic note, LMB lead singer Joseph Shabalala's brother Headman was assassinated, a casualty of apartheid-related violence. LMB have appeared on SNL twice. No word on whether they were funny.

  
  

• John Lithgow. Tall, smart, funny, dorky, and probably Trekkie — he starred as an alien in Third Rock from the Sun, a very funny sci-fi show. He has hosted SNL thrice.

  
  

• The Smothers Brothers, Tom and Dick. Smart, funny, occasionally a cappella. The duo has hosted SNL twice. On the first of those appearances, Tom impersonated Johnny Carson.*

  
  

• John Cleese. John Cleese is everything — except an SNL host — plus he's British.
  

Who am I forgetting?

---

*Johnny Carson, while smart, funny, and occasionally dorky, was not banjo sexy, he was regular sexy. It's the eyes.